Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Heavy Mind, Heavy Heart...

**DISCLAIMER** I'm sorry to unload on all of you in this way. Its just that I couldn't sleep and I had to come somewhere to clear my aching mind.

This has been a tough school year. With each new smack in the face, I question what I did wrong, what I could have done better, what I should have done, but didn't. Do I make excuses or is there validity to what goes on? Are they (the teachers) in the wrong or am I? Reality is... I don't even know anymore.

I don't know how to diferenciate between what is an excuse and what Justin see's as an excuse. I don't know where to draw the line and say that has nothing to do with the side effects of that medication. If there is the slightest possibility something could be diabetes or medication related... I have to step in. I have to advocate for him. I have to be that mom. Whats the point of a 504 when you cant get them to utilize the accomodations on it. Do they feel that Justin doesn't deserve the extra time without deducting points?

I DO know that Justin is capable of more than what he gives, but in order for him to do that he needs direction; which is something that appears to be lacking this year. 

What do you do when a teacher tells you in the 1st 9 weeks of school that she's tried everything in her bag of tricks and she has nothing else?  

Is it okay to just give up? Is he not worth her time and caring?

I can now say from experience that kids suffer when parents work my child suffered when I went back to work. Now calm down and don't get in a tizzy. It's how I feel and I am free to feel that way, right? Okay, I will try to explain...

Like a lot of families, we didn't have a choice but for me to go back to work. There's that whole need to buy insulin and test strips, after all. Though I am lucky to find a job that will eventually allow me to work from home... the road there has taken a huge tole as far as staying on top of Justin and school. I've been absent, MIA... I've been working my ass off to walk the straight and narrow so that I can qualify to come home.

The thing is...Your kids are taken care of more when your visible; its a fact. Every year we have always figured it out, worked together, communicated. I've been there to oversee the porcess, pop in, help out. This year... Justin is lost. He has been given up on and I have spent the entire year sending un-anwered emails and throwing 504 accomodations out. I have NEVER had to do that. I have NEVER had to force teachers to use the 504. NEVER. They have always worked with me to keep him on track.

Was it worth it? Could we have cut somewhere else and made it work for me to stay home a little longer. The hard truth is no; we did it as long as we could and just couldn't keep going anymore. So why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel like a failure when I am just trying to stay afloat? Trying to make sure we have a roof over our head and insulin in the butter compartment.

The guilt and worry is eating me alive and I don't know how to stop it. 

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