Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Heavy Mind, Heavy Heart...

**DISCLAIMER** I'm sorry to unload on all of you in this way. Its just that I couldn't sleep and I had to come somewhere to clear my aching mind.

This has been a tough school year. With each new smack in the face, I question what I did wrong, what I could have done better, what I should have done, but didn't. Do I make excuses or is there validity to what goes on? Are they (the teachers) in the wrong or am I? Reality is... I don't even know anymore.

I don't know how to diferenciate between what is an excuse and what Justin see's as an excuse. I don't know where to draw the line and say that has nothing to do with the side effects of that medication. If there is the slightest possibility something could be diabetes or medication related... I have to step in. I have to advocate for him. I have to be that mom. Whats the point of a 504 when you cant get them to utilize the accomodations on it. Do they feel that Justin doesn't deserve the extra time without deducting points?

I DO know that Justin is capable of more than what he gives, but in order for him to do that he needs direction; which is something that appears to be lacking this year. 

What do you do when a teacher tells you in the 1st 9 weeks of school that she's tried everything in her bag of tricks and she has nothing else?  

Is it okay to just give up? Is he not worth her time and caring?

I can now say from experience that kids suffer when parents work my child suffered when I went back to work. Now calm down and don't get in a tizzy. It's how I feel and I am free to feel that way, right? Okay, I will try to explain...

Like a lot of families, we didn't have a choice but for me to go back to work. There's that whole need to buy insulin and test strips, after all. Though I am lucky to find a job that will eventually allow me to work from home... the road there has taken a huge tole as far as staying on top of Justin and school. I've been absent, MIA... I've been working my ass off to walk the straight and narrow so that I can qualify to come home.

The thing is...Your kids are taken care of more when your visible; its a fact. Every year we have always figured it out, worked together, communicated. I've been there to oversee the porcess, pop in, help out. This year... Justin is lost. He has been given up on and I have spent the entire year sending un-anwered emails and throwing 504 accomodations out. I have NEVER had to do that. I have NEVER had to force teachers to use the 504. NEVER. They have always worked with me to keep him on track.

Was it worth it? Could we have cut somewhere else and made it work for me to stay home a little longer. The hard truth is no; we did it as long as we could and just couldn't keep going anymore. So why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel like a failure when I am just trying to stay afloat? Trying to make sure we have a roof over our head and insulin in the butter compartment.

The guilt and worry is eating me alive and I don't know how to stop it. 


Sarah said...

oh Lora I am sorry. We are in a similar situation, things are tight and I am not sure how we will afford things when Isaac has to go to school I honestly didn't realize just how much we'd need to spend so often with our oldest starting school. As for the teachers saying they've tried everything in their bag of tricks, that's bull - as an educator you shouldn't have one set bag of tricks. Your diversity or ability to diversify as an educator should depend upon the students needs. If a teacher can not figure it out it is up to her to work with the parents and her colleagues to find solutions. I think we may make excuses at times that are unnecessary for our children with d, however think of all the times we hold them to such high standards and then find out their BG is low, high or they have ketones. IT is such a horribly difficult balancing act and no blame needs to be given anywhere. We are all just doing your best. Take each day as a new day, expect a lot of your son AND his teachers, be available when can and keep doing all you are...just don't beat yourself up. I believe things will improve. I believe we're so hard on ourselves and just need to know that things will work out, eventually...until then we're here to listen to whatever you need to share. If there is any way I can help please don't hesitate to send me a msg on FB or my blog. :)

Meri said...

The nighttime is the worst time to try to figure this all out. Your torment and guilt shows only one are an amazing mom. Let me say it again. Lora, you are an amazing mom. Don't let the nighttime swallow you up and make you feel like you've let your son down. You have not. Yesterday is gone. Coulda woulda shoulda...whatever. All that matters is this teacher who couldn't see your son as the beautiful individual he is, is now in the rear view mirror. Her shortsitedness is in no way indicative of your success as a parent. SHE failed him, not you. Close your eyes sleep well knowing that you can only do your best...god will make up the rest. I know it's true...he does it for me, he'll do it for you. Justin will grow up to be an amazing man. No thanks to this teacher...and all the thanks to you. Love you.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes you just have a bad year; it depends on the teacher or teachers he has that year. Some grades are much more difficult educationally, like 3rd grade and 6th grade, for us. Public schools are required to offer special education, if needed. This may be the use of resource rooms and special ed teachers for only one or two classes in the grade. Get in touch Your child can be kept in his regular classes and tutored. You need him evaluated, weaknesses identified and teachers will then come up with a plan to teach him; it's the law. For all children. The help must come from the school. Which is expensive. They don't like to offer it. Your being home all day really wouldn't help too much if he isn't getting the educational help he needs. SEPTA is the Parental group that deals with getting the help they need from the schools. You would be surprised at the number of students in regular classes getting extra help. Good luck. It will get better.

Unknown said...

WOAH NELLIE! Do not...I not BLAME yourself. Ok, I realize that is easy for me to say and that I would be doing the exact same thing if I was in your shoes. I think our propensity to go blame, or find fault with ourselves because a well adjusted person knows that we don't have control over what comes our way in this life, but we can control how we react. So...initially you are looking at yourself and your family life and evaluating what has changed and happened there. It sounds like the school (the teacher) has a "flexibility" issue. Unfortunately, she/he was not willing to grow and problem solve this situation by extending beyond his/her comfort zone.

I am grateful this year is coming to an end for you and Justin. Please tell me he is not in a "looping classroom". Please tell me you are done with this teacher at the end of this school year.

Love you dear friend. xo

Joanne said...

Ditto to what everyone above said... Please don't beat yourself up. You did what you have to do for your family and should be proud of yourself for being so dedicated. I hope that this was just a bad year and next year will be better.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Lora, I'm so sorry. Although you working I'm sure has made things more difficult, I don't believe that excuses the staff of anything. Communication can be effective via email. If they are not responding, that is because they are falling short - not you!

How can we help? Can we have a focused brainstorm of how we all handle things with schools? Can we go in and smack someone upside the head? We need to get their attention. They should want to help their students, whatever their needs may be.

Amy said...

YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MOM and PANCREAS. You did nothing wrong by going back to work when your family needed that. You have a plan, you have put everything into place on your end, and you have done your best to take care of things... sounds like this teacher/school needs to step up. DO NOT PUT THIS ON YOURSELF! I hope you got some sleep. Praying for you! ::hugs::

Denise aka Mom of Bean said...

Ah, the wee small hours of the morning...such a perfect time to beat ourselves up about everything we are or aren't doing...or both!
We've had a challenging year, too, but thankfully Bean had two teachers and one picked up the D slack for the other to a certain extent.
It is such a fine line, that is hard to see sometimes, between when an accommodation is needed and when it might not be. As parents, we always have to err on the side of accommodations otherwise they get forgotten when they are needed. It's a sucky catch twenty-two.
And then to add your work situation on top of it...ugh!
Hope you were able to get some rest after getting it out! Here's to summer and a much better school year come fall!!!

Alexis Nicole said...

I agree with the ladies but I get it. Working fulltime from being a SAHM changes everything.

But I believe this is not. YOUR error but there's. Period.

You are doing. What you must for your family its time for the school to step the fuck up.

Yes. I said fuck.

Love u!

LaLa said...

See that comment right above mine from Lo ---- yea . . . what she said.

I won't retype it but it is so true! You did nothing wrong. The school staff needs to step up.

Now let us know who we need to smack around. We're on it!

Kelly said...

Thinking of you and wishing that you weren't having to feel this way. I wish that I had some great advice as so many have left for you but since we have yet to venture down this school path know that so many think you are SO GREAT!xoxoxo

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