Further Explanation...

I just wanted to add a little explanation to yesterdays post...

I probably should have mentioned that what I copied over from Scott's blog was only part of his story. It was a small part of a whole post that happened to get to me when I read it(Sorry Scott). 

I would also like to throw out that I am not a crazy mess. For the most part... I AM okay with our daily grind. Justin is happy and neither of us spend our afternoons at a poor pitiful me party crying our eyes out. We do ignore diabetes in our life until its time to deal with it throughout the day(or night). But no matter what you wish... sometimes it can get the best of the best of us. And the main point was that... it's okay.

Having a rough couple of days doesn't mean I choose to live in sadness. It doesn't mean that I drag Justin down with me... I certainly do not. My feelings are not, nor will they ever be, his burden to carry. They are my own.
It just means I need to get it out in order to keep truckin. It's how I re-boot. It helps ME to get all MY bottled up emotion out. It helps ME stay positive for Justin and lift him up when diabetes stops playing fair.


I think this time of year is somewhat tough for me because this is when it all started. I can look back at pictures from 4 years ago and visably see the weightloss that should have been a clue to what was coming... but I didn't see it. So pile that on top of the vomiting due to a high bg's and broken pudding promises(whole other story)
among a few other things and it got to me; and for a short time I allowed it.

Now I can move on.

Part of the life...

I've been chugging along through life pretty smoothly if I do say so myself. D has taken as much of a back seat as it possibly can. Since I've gone back to work, Anthony had to take over a bit of the daytime D care(now if he would only take over the night). When school was in... the nurse would just text me, so I don't think he has felt the full force of it until Justin went to camp this summer and had to start calling him for snacks and lunch. And with all the ice skating and tae kwon do... we had a time getting Justin's bg's to stay up. I need to buy stock in Juicy Juice, for real.


I really thought I was doing well. Just shy of 4 years into this beast and I told myself that I had a handle on my emotions. But I still cracked.


My child throws up over a high blood sugar and I'm back to that guilt ridden mom, who wishes she could make it all better somehow. I read Scott Johnson's post and I blubbered like a baby. 


Over this...


"When my time comes, I want you to celebrate that I don’t have to do this exhausting diabetes thing anymore. I will finally have some peace from the constant attack that diabetes forces into every waking (and sleeping) second of my life. I will finally be able to rest, without worry about my blood sugar, food, insulin, exercise, guilt of imperfect control, or when diabetes will sneak a punch through my defenses.


I live tired. No. I live exhausted. I think it may be fair to say that all of us with type 1 diabetes live exhausted. There are but two ways to relieve that exhaustion.


I wait patiently for a cure (I have not lost faith), but we can only hang on for so long."




How can that not hit you in the gut? Is this the way Justin will feel when he's lived 15 years of his life with diabetes? He will be 22 then, ya know. Only 22. 


I don't want him to live exhausted. 


Do I DO enough now to take away some of the exhaustion?


I don't want him to be one of the pre-authorization I see every day with a diagnosis of complications from diabetes. Every time I see it... I find myself looking up at the age of the member. 


Do I do enough to ensure that he will be healthy when he is my age? By then, Diabetes will have consumed 27 years of his life(Stop trying to calculate that... I'm only 29). 


Sometimes I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I feel like every decision is a guessing game. I'm playing guessing games with my child's life. It's not right.  


I have been this way for two days. Feeling of guilt consuming me at times. 


How dare I, I suppose? How dare I when there's so much to be thankful for and so many others going through far more than I(SCL).


I think its important for me to have these days. I think it helps me let it out and stand tall to take the beast head on. I don't think of it as "fuss or hysterics or histrionics" ... I think of it as human. And I am okay with that. 

Reminders...

As I sit here watching my sweet 11 year old son lie in my bed, clutching his Build-a-bear, and feeling horribly sick to his stomach... I am reminded about how quickly things can change.

Just yesterday, we were feeling somewhat on top of things. With our 3 month report card results coming in at a consistent(<-- word used by the doc) 6.7, we went on with out normal routine. Justin happened not to go to camp today because he went to his math tutor... guess its a good thing since Leighanna comes into the room while I'm working to tell me Justin is throwing up and not feeling good at all.

WHAT?

-"What's his bg?"

-"377"

-"have him come here"

In between calls I tell a poor pitiful looking Justin, who is literally dragging himself like a sloth, to go test his ketones and come back. ~large~

*sigh*

Were going to do this Reyna style... A day in the life of large ketones and site changes in between calls and pre-authorizing a colonoscopy. And feeling thankful that I work from home to do it.

Now if only I had her ab's.

The Great FFL Crash mostly in captions...

Regardless of the challenges that D throws my way... I can only be thankful for the great friendships that are in my life because of it. 

I had a great weekend! I didn't REALLY crash FFL... I just popped in for a visit because I wasn't able to take the whole week off to attend the conference(holiday weekend + new job + bottom of the food chain = work for yours truly). Its okay though; as much as would have loved to go, I didn't miss one of the most important parts... meeting some of my fav D-Mamas and the bonus... a couple of the awesome T1's I stalk.

I didn't get there until Friday night. As I was checking in, I saw a familiar face...  

Heather and I have not seen each other IRL since we hung                   out in Chicago together, so it was great to give her a big hug.We all headed up to our rooms to get ready for a little dip  in the pool meet up.

The view from our 22nd floor balcony.

  

On my way to the pool, we ran smack into one of my                         FAV Dmama's ev-er! I LOVE YOU MISS MERI!!!

 And Justin met a friend... who may or may not think he's "weird".

After a big ol' hug from both Meri and Ryan... we were off to the pool to hang out at with Heather, Wendy, Misty, Meri and Kelly.

I opted out of the swim suit/stripper shoe combination, thinking that meeting some of my Dmama's for the 1st time... I might want to appear "normal-ish".

Even though I was meeting most of them for the first time IRL... it felt as if I was hanging out with friends I had known forever. There is no way to describe how lucky I am to have these ladies in my life; for support, encouragement and a good dose of laughter.

 During the Howl at the Moon Fundraiser this cRaZy woman pops up beside me and asks if I have my stripper shoes on. I totally should have taken the time to change, but the minis had to eat. 

I am so glad I had a chance to meet Denise and her hubby...               they are a hoot! 

Speaking of Uber Geek... I warned you that I needed material.

Uber Geek snapped a photo of himself with MY camera...                  total mistake. 

Uber geek and The boat Captain, aka my hubby. Thanks you Uber Geek for the new nickname, but may I just say... you both look a little like you could be on an episode of Deadliest Catch. Just Sayin!

Mr. Candy Heart and Mr. Box of Chocolate saved Anthony from a whole lot of girl talk. I think The boat Captain could get into a whole lot of trouble with these two. 

Surrounded by A.W.E.S.O.M.E.N.E.S.S!

With Wendy, K2, Krissy, and Denise.

During Howl at the Moon, Anthony won a fishing trip for him and Justin with a Type 1 boat captain, a cute diabetes frame for my office and two glass necklaces for me- including the sweet little glass heart I'm wearing here.

I was only able to spend two nights in Orlando,                                          and I loved every minute of it. 

One last thing before I go...

**I would like to thank Mr. Candy Hearts for introducing me to Strawberry Mojitos. Or maybe I shouldn't... since I found found out they make them at the Chili's by my house. YUM!

Cheers to meeting more Friends next year.

Five Question Friday... 7/5

To learn more about 5QF go HERE

Gosh, its been back to back 5QF around here. I might need to find something else to post soon. In the mean time...






1. Is love at 1st sight possible?

Yes, what guy (who shall remain nameless) wouldn't love a hottie in hot pink stripper shoes at first sight??



2. How did you choose your pet's name?


Well, when Leighanna and I brought the dog home it was one of those "do it and ask for forgiveness later" kind of situations. As we were driving home and I was teaching my daughter the before mentioned meaning of life,we needed to come up with a name that daddy would LOVE. Ya know, to soften the surprise. We came up with Oakley because daddy LOVES all things Oakley. 


Totally worked, BTW!

3. What are you considering giving up (cable, home phone)?




Give up?? WHA?? I actually still use my home phone.

4. How much do you pay your babysitter?




I pay her in clothes, food and the occasional mani/pedi.

5. How "young" is old enough to babysit?




I think it depends on the situation, but 13 is a good number. Old enough to be responsible and young enough to not be boy crazy. Ya know what I'm sayin?




Hope you guys have a wonderful weekend!

Five Question Friday... 6/29

Woah! It's Monday. Would you believe that I had this post mostly done and just didnt have time to wrap it up until tonight? You would think working from home would give me all this extra time, but I can't for the life of me figure out where it goes. I am back in the office this week so that Anthony can work on my office. Lots of hammering and drilling and sawing = lots of noise in mi casa.

Anyways... lets get busy. Welcome to 5QM(aka, five question Monday) because Friday has come and gone.

Click here to visit the home of 5QF

1. What's your favorite childhood snack that you still eat as an adult?

Ding Dongs... Get your Mind out of the gutter, I mean the chocolate ones with the cream inside. NO WAIT! Seriously, minds out of the gutter peeps... I'm talkin about the Hostess snack cakes, sheesh!


2. What food will you not eat the low fat version of?

Mayo... It's just plain nasty

3. What's your favorite way to cool off during the summer?

I hide my sweating a$$ in the house with the AC jacked down and the ceiling fan going full blast.

4. What's your favorite summer read?

Have I mentioned that I dont read? Okay, so I read The Twilight Saga and I blew through Hunger Games since the Easter Bunny brought them to Leighanna, but I am just not a big reader. I'd rather curl up and watch a good movie.

5. What are you doing to stay cool in this awful heat?

Ummmm, did you read the answer to question 3??? Do I need to repeat the AC/fan process? OOOOOOh, I know. Add in a big ol diet vanilla coke and I'm all set to brave the scorching sun.

And now for the extras...

Kelly said... My question to you is - Do you put that "junk in da trunk" in a bikini or one piece?..with the stripper shoes of course!  I am still rockin the bikini . At my age(uhum, 29ish) I should be in a moo moo, but I still stick with the bikini. I will admit, I have tried on several one piece suits, but they just dont fit right. I think I might be shaped a little funny?!?! I also have to add that I wear a cover up 99% of the time. Just thought I should mention that.

 

No stripper shoes at the pool... maybe if I had a home pool. Yeah, then I would strutt my bikini, should be moo moo, wearin, 29ish year old ass all around the pool in the strippers. Right on!

Sky0138 said... LOL whew...i totally thought the answer to your ice cream question was "shit"......thank goodness I kept reading...ahahaha!   No kidding... I'm glad you kept reading too! O_o and... My question for you is...If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? I am a salt fa-reak! I might have to go with funions, but if I have to choose a no junk food, then it would be spaggetti all day long.
Hope you all have a great 4th of July. Sorry this 5QF is so late.