Change... No Es Bueno!

I hate change. Just the thought of it makes me uneasy. It scares me.

From the outside you would never know. I adapt extremely well to just about everything thrown my way. But on the inside... I scream through the entire process. So a few weeks ago when Justin told me he wanted the t:slim, I instantly felt nauseous.

No way... the Ping has been good to us the last four years. And the remote - I love my remote.

If I'm being honest, I've spent the last few weeks trying to talk him into waiting. I've read things that made me feel this change is not a good idea. I've chatted and messaged people that have had a "less then positive" experience. But every time I tried to tell him the flaws, I could see the painful disappointment in his face and I realized that I just need to let change happen. Because Justin chooses to let it.

I have seen an immeasurable amount of growth in Justin over the last few months. Crazy growth. Growth I never thought I would be ready for since D entered our lives. He is taking control. He has done it at his own pace... In his own time. And that's okay because he's doing it and he's doing it right.

He knows how to handle his care. He knows that mistakes happen (like giving yourself insulin for the serving size(3 pks) of M&M's when your teacher only gave you one pack... oops!) and he knows how to fix it.

Even though I fear... I am so very proud of him.

The paper work has been filled out for the t:slim. The insurance has been verified, the Endo has signed off and authorization has been submitted. All we wait for now is the approval. Justin knows that he will be more responsible for bolusing since we will no longer have a remote... I explained this fact SEVERAL times. He's agreed and this change is happening. I will just need to adapt. Ultimately, this is Justin's load to bear and he should be able to manage it with whatever device he chooses. I will just be here, for back up, when he needs me.

Maybe sometimes, change es bueno.

Growing up...

My face and my voice say "GOOD JOB BUDDY!!!!", but my mind is screaming "HOLY SHIT!"

More and more Justin has been taking on his own care... the problem is there is no warning. I just get an "oh, by the way, I was 56 in 3rd period so I had some skittles and then I still felt funny on the way to 4th so I had some M&M's."

His BG was 120 at lunch, which is about 15 minutes into 4th period... soooo he rocked it. What can I say to that?

Over the past few weeks, he has self treated at midnight(we did have a chat about this). Self treated at school for lows a few times. Decided on 21 carbs for a mini cupcake(no phone call, no trip to the nurse)... he rocked those numbers too, BTW. He's even dabbled in texting me info. I'm waiting for the nurse to find out and lose it.

... the shiz has been getting deep around here.

So much for my "helicopter-mom-itis" really working hard to screw him up.

I really couldn't be more proud of him, but I am extremely scared all at the same time. All these jumbled up feelings, swarming like they are ready to sting at any given moment... it's overwhelming.

I think the self treating at midnight scared me most. He was still awake, he says, and felt it. He tested and had a juice with a side of Hershey's. He was probably just waiting for an excuse to eat the chocolate and I can't deny that he did good.I can also appreciate him not wanting to wake me up, but at the same time I had to explain to him that, though I am really proud, at night he HAS to wake me, even if its after he treats himself. See, I can compromise ;)

Now if I can only get him to remember to tell me when he opens his last vial of test strips...

OR!!! When his pump alarms with less than 20u left.

AND... if someone can tell me how to handle this...

No worries...

A day in the life of self care and party invites... please hold while I willingly jump.

When Taking Control Scares the Mama...

It was my night off. I don't get them often... Maybe once every other week or so. The reason behind that is an entire blog post in itself, so I'll save it for later. Justin tested his BG before bed and he was 189, a tad high, but he had about .40u still on board from the strawberry dessert he had at his Nonie's house; so I let him go and told the hubby to set his alarm for 1:30. By all rights, this IOB should have landed him right above 150.

In the night, sometime after 3am (it was actually 3:45am I found later) I feel the hubby jump out of bed. This can only mean he slept through his alarm. Thankfully, so we thought, Justin was sittin pretty with a BG of 145.

The next morning Justin drops the bomb...
"Before I fell asleep last night, I checked my blood and it was 49. I had some Skittles and a Hershey Nugget."

Silence(insert birds tweeting and my heart breaking into 1000 pieces)...

"Thank you for taking care of that, buddy, what time was it?"...

"I don't know", he says.

Looking back in the meter logbook it was a few minutes after midnight.

I don't think about the "what ifs" that much anymore. 5 1/2 years into this T1 journey, we just roll with whatever is thrown our way, but ever since that... I'm scared all over again.

Part of me is extremely mad that Anthony slept through that alarm. Angry that I can't even take one night off without worry. ONE! The thoughts of what if Justin didn't handle it on his own won't leave me... what if... what would he have found at 3:45?

I am so thankful Justin has started taking control and I am proud that he knows how to handle his care. But all I could do, besides praise him for a job well done (he was sitting pretty at 145 after all) and thank him for letting me know what happened, was remind him that no matter what time it is... he can come get me so that I can check him again to make sure he's safe.

I could not imagine the alternative. Praying all of out sweet children sleep safe.

Destination... Mud Run...Me # 3

I am going to steel this first part from Captain Jackson's Mama... altering to fit yours truly, of course.

If your late to the Destination...Mud Run.. Me ... I'll fill you in".  Hallie started Destination Me as a way to gain some "Me" time you can read about her journey here and my commitment to the journey and why I want to do it here. 

So how is it going...

If you remember, things didn't get going until right before post # 2... that whole Monday thing and all. Since then, I have continued to walk, not everyday, but the treadmill is still getting some action. I have come to the conclusion that no matter what I tell myself... if I do not get up early and walk, its not going to happen that day. I need to find a way to fix that since diabetes doesn't always get along with getting up at 5:45 am.

I have continued to eat better and have been sticking to logging for the Well Challenge I joined at work. As of yesterday, I am down 3 lbs. I am pretty excited about that.

I definitely need to drink more water. I fell off the wagon this weekend and went all crack addict on the Diet Coke. I regretted it on Monday when my hands swelled up from all the "water retention".

Sleep... I challenged myself to sleep. Really? Who am I kidding. I tried. I promise I did... and I even followed through and went to bed at 11:00 that first night. Too bad I woke up at some redonculous time in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep. My body just doesn't know how to act with more than a few hours at a time. After that, I think I managed to get in bed early one other night this past week... I will continue to work on that.

So there you have it... the good, the bad and the fall of the wagon.

This week I think I am just going to continue with what I am working on. I didn't master the whole sleep thing and lord knows I need to work o my water issues. I think that's worth an extra week of trying. On top of that I will add in that I need to walk more so I can start running... eventually.

A big THANKS to Captain Jackson's Mama for motivating me to get this week post out.

Destination... Mud Run... Me!

We all know how much a diagnosis changes our lives. If you're anything like me, your whole world became about just trying to function or maybe just trying to not screw up. Since I wasn't on top of things like I always had been, something had to give... that something included me.

In a little more than a month (10/21), we will have lived with diabetes for 5 years. 5 years ago, I lost it. I lost myself and my ability to give a crap about my health. Then just when I felt like I had this... another diagnosis came along and pushed me back a bit. Then, recently, I made a plan with a group of girls at work to sign up for a 5k mud run in February. I thought... I can do this. 5k... no problem.

Only, there is now a new diagnosis hanging over our heads and its kind of kicking my butt, just a little.
On August 19th Justin went for an x-ray and on August 21st, I got a call from the Doctor... Justin has Scoliosis.

This is the first time I am sharing the news. I haven't had the heart to even tell him. How can I?  He has so much on his plate already and whats the point until we have to do something about it; which may be sooner rather than later since he is still complaining about his back hurting.

I'll be honest, my first thought was to stick my head back in the hole its spent so much time in the past 5 years, but I need to cut that out. I need to get my shit together and start taking care of myself so that I can face this new challenge... whatever that turns out to be.

SOOOO... I am going to do that mud run in February. For me. To help get my head straight and keep it out of that hole.

It just so happens that the super awesome Hallie over at The Princess and the Pump has started a new challenge, called "Destination Me". My destination may start off with a little different motivation, but on my way to "me", I'm going to rock that mud run.

Stop by Hallie's post HERE to learn a little more about what she's doing and why. THEN sign up to join her on this journey.

For the Record...

Let me share a little bit about myself...

Overall, from the outside looking in, I am a happy-go-lucky positive person. I'm goofy and I have a habit of befriending those who just happen to be sitting beside me. I speak up as the voice of reason and, even if do not agree, I always try to see all points of view and even stick up for the person(s) who are not there to do it for themselves.

I do, from time to time, love to people watch, but it is all in good fun I promise (shame on me, I know).

I enjoy volunteering and I have taught my kids the value of doing the same. I also ALWAYS do my best to offer a few kind, uplifting words to anyone who needs it. However, if I just don't have it in me that day... I am considerate enough to walk away or click the "X" in the upper right hand corner of the screen.

That is me, on the outside... in short!

From the inside I am full of worry... I haven't always been this way on the inside. At one time, my inside mimicked the outside and all of its happy-filled, smiley silliness. That side of me still breaks free from time to time, but something happened when Justin was just a baby, and then another and another. Along with that came worry as diagnosis after diagnoses was brought to our attention.

These days...

My heart breaks, just a little, every time I watch Justin have a seizure. I can relive them in my head, over and over, at anytime and without warning.

My heart breaks, just a little, every time he has a low. Knowing what diabetes has the potential of doing comes rushing to the forefront of my mind and I can't help but wonder if I could have done something, anything, to avoid it.

My heart breaks, just a little, every time he's high. Man, is he going to throw up? How can I get his belly to stop hurting? Maybe I should have changed his sight sooner.

My heart breaks, just a little, every time he looks sad. The look on his face is etched in my mind for unsolicited instant replay.

Justin won't know how I am feeling on the inside because I hide it. I lie with a straight face(or maybe a goofy one). From the outside, we fix it, forget it and move on. But on the inside, there is a mental toll that comes along with all he faces. That part is unavoidable sometimes; no matter how positive you make yourself out to be... you are also human.

Yesterday I made a comment on one of Hallie's post. I made reference to the fact that I think the stuff that our kids deal with IS a big deal to them. THEY are the ones on the sidelines testing and treating lows. I said that "Mentally. Emotionally. It is  big deal." I would Never say that to Justin, but lets face it, their friends don't exactly sit around waiting for them. Even if our kids don't expect them to, it still kind of sucks. This is MY opinion and I shared it.

The toll of being "different" has become more and more evident as Justin gets older. The challenges now are different than they were when he was 7 or 8. He sees more, he hears more and he knows more. It doesn't matter how good we are at being positive... he has his own thoughts. It doesn't matter how much we act as if "its no big deal"... this isn't easy for him. Part of his life, yes, but not exactly easy.

I suppose as each year passes we will face a new or different set of challenges, not only medically, but normal teenage/growing up challenges too. Some of which will be magnified by the medical stuff; that is just simple fact. I have no doubts that we will still have many triumphs, as we do now, but that will not change the fact that the challenges need attention too. That's just life in general, right?

Anyways,  back to the comment on Hallie's post...
There was a response to my comment... a kind of insulting one actually.  

I was judged and it kind of pissed me off. There was assumptions made about how I feel about Justin's diabetes. You shouldn't judge what you do not know. This holds true for everyone.

It was said  that "he can participate, be involved and be valued by society regardless of the condition". WTH?!?! What makes this person think that he isn't a valued part of society already? 

I can assure you he/we are already a valued part of society... we are alive aren't we? I can assure you we live in a happy house. We laugh and joke and do fun family stuff. We are silly. I torture Justin by taking him shopping and making him do chores(I know, I am a terrible mother). We are close. We are encouraging. We are supportive. We also have to face diabetes and epilepsy along with some other stuff... and that IS a big deal, no matter how hard I try to pretend its not.

 

Share and Don't Share... Diabetes blog week day 1

Today's topic ...

Often our health care team only sees us for about 15 minutes several times a year, and they might not have a sense of what our lives are really like. Today, let’s pretend our medical team is reading our blogs. What do you wish they could see about your and/or your loved one's daily life with diabetes? On the other hand, what do you hope they don't see?  (Thanks to Melissa Lee of Sweetly Voiced for this topic suggestion.)

I think I am going to have to give a big shout out to Justin's endo on this one... we always get more than 15 minutes with him. If we have questions... he stays to answer them. If changes need to be made... he stays to change them. I have never felt rushed or unheard.

He is, however, very serious. As a mom I appreciate that, but I am also a bit scared of him and I can see how that seriousness could hinder an open relationship between him and Justin later on. Will Justin feel comfortable being up front an honest? Or will he play it safe so that he doesn't get the ass chewing of his life?  

Our endo is very quick to tell you that your doing a good job. I have also heard he is pretty straight forward and/or blunt when you're not. Thank goodness I've never been on the receiving end of that!!

Again, as a mom, I kinda appreciate that. I want someone other than me to tell Justin when he needs to get his shit together. But do I really want that? Should I really want that? OR... should I want an endo that is open with no judgement? Fine line, I suppose.

So if I had to say anything, it would be...
I hope that you are "softer" than you appear. I hope that with all that seriousness, comes understanding. I hope that when you chew a chunk of my sons ass, you do it with compassionate concern and I hope you give empathy when he needs it and tough love when its warranted.

Happy Monday!

4th Annual Diabetes Blog Week...

Monday kicks off the 4th annual Diabetes Blog week, hosted by the awesome Karen over at Bitter~Sweet.

Click on the banner below to get a sneak peek at this weeks topics and to see a list of all the awesome bloggers who will be joining in the fun.

Thank you, Karen, for hosting such a great event :)

On a more personal note, I am sure going to do my best to blog every day, but no promises... its going to be a crazy week for me. I am going to play the role of a single, working, dmama... YIKES! I think I might even have to go grocery shopping too. Double Yikes!!!! Now before you get a funky look on your face... No, I don't do the grocery shopping. I write the list and Anthony pushes the cart around the store.
Listen... we had to divide and conquer when I went back to work and grocery shopping was on the top of my list to delegate... yeah, we'll call it delegating. I hate it and he doesn't mind it. Win-Win and a holla just for fun!!

Anywho, the Mr. is headed to Ohio this week with his family. Note... his entire family who helps me when he is not around. They will ALL be gone. Help(aka Mr. grocery) and backup plan(aka, my "were in a jam can you help" help)... GONE... ALL-OF-THEM.

THEN, as life does, the curve balls were thrown as soon as the purchase button was pushed on Southwest.com. I get an email about a mandatory training that I have to go into the office for. SHIZ! Justin has tutor that night... good thing I have a lead foot. BOTH of my kids have spring concerts... on separate nights. Leighanna has viola lessons etc etc etc... the list goes on really. I don't think I've had to get dressed this much since I started working at home last summer. Crap stix... I hope I have clothes that fit because it's getting a bit to hot to wear sweatpants outside. Then again... I might be lucky to brush my hair this next week so I may not give two shits about what I'm wearing anyways.

I know, I know... all the single mama's out there are going "stop complaining you witch; its only a week". Believe me, I know I shouldn't complain. And I'm not really complaining, per say, just a "I'm dreading this" vent to help clear my mind.

Now I can go start my "to do" lists. I wonder if I can con Anthony into going grocery shopping before he leaves???

Happy Saturday!

More than D Mom...

"What do I stand for, what do I stand for,

most nights, I don't know, anymore...

~Some Nights by Fun

More than a DMom, AM I? Some days I don't know. Some days I feel like guilt and worry have taken over all of my being. They've consumed me. They have become my shadow.

After all, its not me that I will hurt if I screw this up. And even though I doubt he would ever place the blame on me, I would surly consume all of it.

I was 31 when Justin was dx'd. At the time I was the 1st VP(in charge of fundraising) for the PTA. I scrapbooked as a hobby and even made a little money doing it. I made all of my teachers gifts, I KNEW when teacher appreciation week was, I stayed on top of things(except maybe the laundry... I was never good at that), I had my shit together. I was lippy and spunky. I loved photography and always had my camera with me.


Today... I'm older than 31. I feel 41! I am still lippy, for sure, but I haven't touched a scrapbook in who knows how long. The only camera I carry is on my phone- in which I carry around by a death grip, ready to look up carb rates and communicate numbers. I have become really good at hiding emotions. I keep a straight face, even when my insides are screaming. I do this for Justin's sake. This burden is not for him to carry right now... he will have plenty of time for that later. I can see the toll this new life has taken on my face. I can see the worry in my eyes when I look in the mirror. I can assure you, as long as I live, that worry will be there whether I want it to be or not. 

Sometimes, I don't think people consider all the extras that come along with diabetes. Dealing with schools, strains on marriages, other children and friendships. Very few of us can say we didn't loose a friend or two through all of this. I understand that friendships come and go naturally at times, but when you are hurting over something so significant, so life altering... the pierce of loosing a friend hurts a whole lot more.

Some say that you should just do what you have to and move on. They say that I need to put "me" first. If you have the ability to do that... great! I certainly commend you, but I don't think that's a one size fits all solution. Some of us, choose to dive in head first and submerse ourselves in knowledge. Some choose advocacy as a way to give back or even cope. Some of us feel that by taking the burden for as long as we can will somehow help our children not burn out. And some of us have children, so young, that we don't have much option but living our life around all that D demands. It sucks, at times, but we choose to be that involved. We do this because we think, hope or pray that it will make a difference for their future. I, for one, don't feel that there is anything wrong with that.

But back to the question... Am I? Am I more that what I have become since D came into our lives 4 1/2 years ago? There was a time when my answer would have been no. There was a time when I was all alone. Lost. Swimming in numbers and medical supplies. However, time and new friendships have healed the open wounds. They are now scars; and though they may still be visible and sore... They are healing.

For me, going back to work has been both a blessing and a curse. On one hand it is my escape from the 24-7 that diabetes requires. I was forced to hand over some of the work load, which gives me a break, however, along with with handing it over, comes more guilt and more worry. Because I am not there.

Working also hinders being able to advocate for Justin's needs at school. More guilt. This has proven to be my most difficult challenge. The school, UGH! That is all I will say about that.

For me, working is a necessary inconvenience. Though I am grateful for my job, and I even like it, I didn't choose to go back to work. I wish I could have prolonged the inevitable a while longer, but D, that rotten, stinkin, no good, D... choose my fate for me. D is not cheep. Just another "extra" that comes along with diabetes.

Still the question remains...  Am I more than DMom? Sure! I am Justin's mom and Leighanna's mom. I am a work at home mom too. So I guess there is more mom to me than just D. It just seems that D is my most unruly of the bunch!



**This post is the brainchild of the uber awesome Hallie Addington, the “More than a D Mom” series. Posts will continue throughout this week and maybe even next week.

You can see Hallie's post from day one here.

And then be sure to check out the dangerously fabulous, Meri's post from day two here.

Up next, a DMom full of Candy Hearts, Wendy, will hosting the "More than A DMom" series. Be sure to pop on over tomorrow to read Wendy's take on things.

Finding time...

You’re writing the story of your life one moment at a time.

~Doc Childre and Howard Martin

 I was chatting with a friend tonight about all the different opportunities there are to get involved in the DOC. There are like 1 million Facebook groups(literally), twitter(which I suck at), chats, conferences, DSMA, JDRF etc...

Then I made a comment... "I NEED to get back into blogging; I can feel myself sinking".

For some time I have been saying "I need to start blogging again, but I just don't have time". Life as a working mom doesn't leave a whole lot of time for blogging. But ya know, this was my diary. Granted, there's no key to lock it up before I hide it under my bed; anyone can read it, but it is where I wrote about my fears and my victories. It's where I found help and friendship through a dark time. It's where I could be silly and be me.

I miss having that outlet and I can feel the weight pushing down on me with out it. That kind of scares the crap out of me - I never liked that dark place.

Off to the Endo...

Today was the day. The day I had to face the music after weeks and weeks of the highest numbers I've ever seen. More Ketones than I've ever seen in a three month period. Several nights of 400's that wouldn't budge. Basal changed. Ratios changed. Factors... changed.

Still...

So as I expected his A1C went up to 7.2 (from 6.7). Not the highest its ever been, but higher than where we like. Deep down I feel like I could have/should have done more. I tried, but I should have tried harder... sooner. I just couldn't wrap my brain around it. I was almost too tired to fix it.

Maybe that's a  hazard of all these sleepless nights... brain drain. If there is such a thing, I have it... and its messin me all up.

Sunday Night Confessions...

I want to start something new. New for me anyways. Sunday night confessions will be short, some silly, some serious once a month-ish confession post to clear the mind. I don't intend for this to become a heavy post, but who knows... It will just depend on the mood. 

Here we go...

-We were sitting down to watch a movie and Justin asked me to turn up the volume; not paying attention, because I was trying to get settled, I blindly hit the button a couple of times. Justin then says "mom, can you go up one more... I like the volume to be even". As in... the level cant be on 19... I need it on 20 cuz 20 is even. O_o OMGEEEE, he is way to much like his ... er... um... Dad. Yeah, like his dad... that's it. A little OCD is normal-ish, right?

-Today my flat iron broke. This is devastating to a girl with a frizzy fro, okay. I tried to go all old days and iron it with my Black and Decker, but it didn't work. I was lookin a hot mess for a trip to the mall and a birthday party. 

-I watched "What to Expect when your Expecting"... it kinda sucked. I had higher hopes. The best thing about it was the cheese dip I made myself; except when I went to check Justin... the dog helped himself. Damn mutt!! 

-Did I tell you about my flat iron??

-I miss having the time to read blogs... hell, I miss having the time to blog. Every time I try, I pass out, sitting straight up with the computer on my lap. No joke!

-I have no sympathy what.so.ever for people who complain about their lack of sleep. To the point when I might be occasionally kind of rude about it.  Husband, friends, family... no one is exempt from my cheep attempt at the Reyna eye roll. Oh yeah, I go there.

Okay, one last one... 

Since I started working at home, I no longer have that LONG drive into the office, by myself, to think. I hated that long as drive, but now I kinda miss it. I didn't overly like the mascara mess, but I think it cleared up a little of the jumbled up mess that was clogging up in there. I realized this the other day when I took a shower in the kids bathroom. It's dark in there with the black shower curtain and no one can see me. I lost it. I might have to clear my head in there from time to time... their water pressure is better than mine anyways.                                                                   

Here's to a fabulous week!! What do you confess?

Further Explanation...

I just wanted to add a little explanation to yesterdays post...

I probably should have mentioned that what I copied over from Scott's blog was only part of his story. It was a small part of a whole post that happened to get to me when I read it(Sorry Scott). 

I would also like to throw out that I am not a crazy mess. For the most part... I AM okay with our daily grind. Justin is happy and neither of us spend our afternoons at a poor pitiful me party crying our eyes out. We do ignore diabetes in our life until its time to deal with it throughout the day(or night). But no matter what you wish... sometimes it can get the best of the best of us. And the main point was that... it's okay.

Having a rough couple of days doesn't mean I choose to live in sadness. It doesn't mean that I drag Justin down with me... I certainly do not. My feelings are not, nor will they ever be, his burden to carry. They are my own.
It just means I need to get it out in order to keep truckin. It's how I re-boot. It helps ME to get all MY bottled up emotion out. It helps ME stay positive for Justin and lift him up when diabetes stops playing fair.


I think this time of year is somewhat tough for me because this is when it all started. I can look back at pictures from 4 years ago and visably see the weightloss that should have been a clue to what was coming... but I didn't see it. So pile that on top of the vomiting due to a high bg's and broken pudding promises(whole other story)
among a few other things and it got to me; and for a short time I allowed it.

Now I can move on.

Part of the life...

I've been chugging along through life pretty smoothly if I do say so myself. D has taken as much of a back seat as it possibly can. Since I've gone back to work, Anthony had to take over a bit of the daytime D care(now if he would only take over the night). When school was in... the nurse would just text me, so I don't think he has felt the full force of it until Justin went to camp this summer and had to start calling him for snacks and lunch. And with all the ice skating and tae kwon do... we had a time getting Justin's bg's to stay up. I need to buy stock in Juicy Juice, for real.


I really thought I was doing well. Just shy of 4 years into this beast and I told myself that I had a handle on my emotions. But I still cracked.


My child throws up over a high blood sugar and I'm back to that guilt ridden mom, who wishes she could make it all better somehow. I read Scott Johnson's post and I blubbered like a baby. 


Over this...


"When my time comes, I want you to celebrate that I don’t have to do this exhausting diabetes thing anymore. I will finally have some peace from the constant attack that diabetes forces into every waking (and sleeping) second of my life. I will finally be able to rest, without worry about my blood sugar, food, insulin, exercise, guilt of imperfect control, or when diabetes will sneak a punch through my defenses.


I live tired. No. I live exhausted. I think it may be fair to say that all of us with type 1 diabetes live exhausted. There are but two ways to relieve that exhaustion.


I wait patiently for a cure (I have not lost faith), but we can only hang on for so long."




How can that not hit you in the gut? Is this the way Justin will feel when he's lived 15 years of his life with diabetes? He will be 22 then, ya know. Only 22. 


I don't want him to live exhausted. 


Do I DO enough now to take away some of the exhaustion?


I don't want him to be one of the pre-authorization I see every day with a diagnosis of complications from diabetes. Every time I see it... I find myself looking up at the age of the member. 


Do I do enough to ensure that he will be healthy when he is my age? By then, Diabetes will have consumed 27 years of his life(Stop trying to calculate that... I'm only 29). 


Sometimes I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I feel like every decision is a guessing game. I'm playing guessing games with my child's life. It's not right.  


I have been this way for two days. Feeling of guilt consuming me at times. 


How dare I, I suppose? How dare I when there's so much to be thankful for and so many others going through far more than I(SCL).


I think its important for me to have these days. I think it helps me let it out and stand tall to take the beast head on. I don't think of it as "fuss or hysterics or histrionics" ... I think of it as human. And I am okay with that. 

Memories of Lessons Learned...

On my way to work this week, I was checking my facebook(at a red light, of course)  and a question in one of the groups got me thinking.

A mom had ask the pumpers if they also carried insulin pens or vials with them when they left the house. The answers varied as usual, but there I was, drifting back in time to when Justin was first diagnosed.

I was thinking how his arms have gone back to "normal" since we've been on the pump. Like they were in the beginning... sensitive.

Then I started tearing up as I remembered the first few months of diabetes.

Every time Justin would get a shot, I would hold his arm up and we would get ready to go. I felt so bad as I would stand there.

Justin would tell me to wait a minute and I would say whenever your ready, just let me know.

Then suddenly he would hold his breath... cheeks puffed out and all so that I knew it was time to go ahead and give him the shot.

As soon as it went in his eyes would close. As soon as it was over, I would ALWAYS say... I'm sorry. 

It's not something that I realized I did until one day Justin told me... Mom, please stop telling me your sorry.

Then it hit me... oh my gosh, I do- do that everyday. Everyday I tell him I'm sorry for giving him a shot because I WAS sorry.

I was sorry about him having diabetes...

I was sorry for hurting him everyday...

I was sorry for all of it.

Either way, it was finally Justin that let me know that I needed to cut it out. I didn't need to be sorry. I just needed to do what I had to do to keep him safe.

Lessons learned from a then 7 yr old.

Time...

February photo challenge... day 17

Today's challenge... "time"

Time can be both our enemy and our friend.


Time can help you heal and it can tick on for what seems like a lifetime.

Time can weigh you down. Rush you. Hold you hostage. It can take away regret and even the most painful pain.


Time can carry your memories or fade them without warning. 


There are days when I hate time. And then there are those other days... the days where I am on my knees begging for just a little more of it.

 

Blue... as in Blue Heel Society

February Photo Challenge... day 13

I admittedly skipped yesterday. To be honest... my closet it a mess and I choose to take a nap rather than clean it for a picture. I hang my head in shame.

************

Today's challenge is "blue". HA! What D-Mama cant come up with something blue??

I have had this post planned for some time, but a few things(okay, one thing) had to happen before I could finish it the way I wanted.

WELL, it has happened, so here goes...

Today just happens to be the three month anniversary of a fun group dedicated to raising Diabetes awareness. You guessed it...

I think the idea is fantastic... what better excuse does a girl need to buy shoes?? So happy anniversary to them and on with this post for me...

Just so you know... I was wearing blue shoes before I knew blue shoes were so damn cool. Not very often that I'm ahead of the game, ya know.


February photo challenge photo


Granted they are not the blue shoes you would expect ME to wear, but even I have to throw on the running shoes sometimes and at least they are a damn good color.


Having said that... I have been checking out these sassy lil bitches for a while.

                                 

And guess what... they are on the way!!!! Thanks to my awesome husband. Happy Valentines Day to MEEEE!!!


There is nothing like a six inch (yes, I said six) pair of red bottoms to start a conversation and open up opportunity to spread awareness. And there is nothing better than looking damn good while doing it.

So, Hats off heels up to the founders of the Blue Heel Society... May we kick some D ass and raise awareness; one conversation at a time ;)

 **My blue shoes have a meaning behind them. Say something and I will tell you all about it.

Front Door...

February Photo Challenge... day 9

Today's challenge is about the "front door".

Yes, my front door is black(I am kinda modern like that).

I have been thinking about this post all day. I mean, what can you really say about a door?

We can start with the color...

Usually, black means something bad... like the black hole, death, darkkness... something scary.

But I know, even with the color we have splashed upon it, when we walk through that door. Everyone is safe and we've made it through another day.

Blindness...

February Photo Challenge... day 8

Today's challenge is the "sun".

Staring at the sun feels a lot like your child being diagnosed with a life long illness - everything goes white. It takes a period of time for you to begin to refocus and even then your vision is weak at best.

You squint your eyes, rub them, close them tight; as they water from the burning. The blindness of it all is scary, but eventually we DO start to see again.

Here's to finding our way out of the blindness. 

Button...

February Challenge... day 7

Tadays challenge was tough; either that or my creative juices were all squeezed out. I sat there trying to think of a way to bring life into my photo of a button.

This is what I came up with...

See that green button? Well, if I accidentally hit that button... I hang up on you... accidentally. :( I will not willingly admit weather or not I have accidentally hit that button... accidentally.

Did I mention it would be totally accidental?

No what the hell am I going to do with "Sun"?