Miss It Here...

I have found myself really missing my blog for the past couple months. REALLY missing it, more so than before. Wishing I had more time to sit down and really get it all out. Not that things are bad; they are actualy pretty good, but I can feel myself needing an outlet. That place where I can leave the shit, the worry, the stuff that's piling up because I'm holding it all in. I need the outlet so that I can fully enjoy the actual triumph(s) in front of me and not expload from overload. Afterall, that was the purpose of me starting this blog in the first place.

I think I took for granted the quiet time I use to have during the day when the kids were in school. At the time, before I went back to work full time, Justin was in elementary school with a nurse that was just as in tune to his diabetes as I am. She was a godsend. During the day, I had time to sit, in the quiet, and write about everything. Some things I published and some things still sit in my drafts box, years later, for me to look back on. Maybe one day I will have the courage to hit the publish button on those posts too. Back then, I had the opportunity to cry the quiet tears without anyone knowing. I miss the quiet sometimes.

Balancing work and home has it's definate challenges... doesn't leave space for the quiet time or even not-so-quiet extra time to sit in front of a computer and blog. I won't complain about my job, however, I know how fortunate I am to be able to work from home. I know how fortunate I am to be off work just as the kids are walking in the door from school. Though, as any job will, it has it's "sressful days", I really do actually like what I do. I'm grateful for that.

Diabetes has been, well...diabetes. Justin has started to step up on his own, he's trying new sites for his pump and really chiming in with how we handle cetain parts of his care. This  makes me proud and stressed all at the same time. He called me the other day for lunch, that converstaion went a little like this...
Me: "Hello"
Justin: "Hi mom, my bg is 127, but just so you know I was 50 in 3rd period so I had some skittles, and then on my way to 4th, I still felt low, so I just had some M&M's."
Me: (jaw on the floor) "okay, do what your pump says for lunch"

Did he even need to call me at that point??

On the flip side of that, he's really starting to get frustrated about being 'different". That's how he describes himself. "Different". That makes me sad. He shouldn't have to feel different. Though the cause of him feeling this way can't be balmed solely on D... all the gizomos and vibrating and blood and beeping... sure doesn't help. He asked me not not make him wear the CGM anymore... "the vibrate is loud and people stare". *sigh*

How do I help him feel less different?

 

Destination... Mud Run...Me # 3

I am going to steel this first part from Captain Jackson's Mama... altering to fit yours truly, of course.

If your late to the Destination...Mud Run.. Me ... I'll fill you in".  Hallie started Destination Me as a way to gain some "Me" time you can read about her journey here and my commitment to the journey and why I want to do it here. 

So how is it going...

If you remember, things didn't get going until right before post # 2... that whole Monday thing and all. Since then, I have continued to walk, not everyday, but the treadmill is still getting some action. I have come to the conclusion that no matter what I tell myself... if I do not get up early and walk, its not going to happen that day. I need to find a way to fix that since diabetes doesn't always get along with getting up at 5:45 am.

I have continued to eat better and have been sticking to logging for the Well Challenge I joined at work. As of yesterday, I am down 3 lbs. I am pretty excited about that.

I definitely need to drink more water. I fell off the wagon this weekend and went all crack addict on the Diet Coke. I regretted it on Monday when my hands swelled up from all the "water retention".

Sleep... I challenged myself to sleep. Really? Who am I kidding. I tried. I promise I did... and I even followed through and went to bed at 11:00 that first night. Too bad I woke up at some redonculous time in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep. My body just doesn't know how to act with more than a few hours at a time. After that, I think I managed to get in bed early one other night this past week... I will continue to work on that.

So there you have it... the good, the bad and the fall of the wagon.

This week I think I am just going to continue with what I am working on. I didn't master the whole sleep thing and lord knows I need to work o my water issues. I think that's worth an extra week of trying. On top of that I will add in that I need to walk more so I can start running... eventually.

A big THANKS to Captain Jackson's Mama for motivating me to get this week post out.

Halloween 2012...

OY! Its Halloween... I've never been a huge Halloween fan. Its okay, I guess, I could take it or leave it(mostly leave it). Of course my kids view it as dressing up to haul in loads and loads of candy. I veiw it as a big ol waist of money to take your kids out among the crowded mess of crazies, in order to gather a sack of cheep shit that I will slowly throw away without them even noticing. To each their own.

This year, Halloween has me a little more on edge; and it has nothng to do with the 11 year old diabetic gathering sugary candy... I'm cool with that. The bigger issue is that I have a sweet, trusting (but responsible) 13 year old that wants to trick or treat in the neighborhood with her friends. As in... without a responsible adult (insert heart attack here).

I am not on board with this plan at all, and was totally counting on the hubs to be even less on board. So you can totally imagine my jaw hitting the floored when, out of the blue, he asked HER if she was going trick or treating with her friends this year. WHA??? How dare him mess up my "it ain't happening cuz ur dads gonna say no way" back up plan!

I was totally calling him unpleasant names in my head.

Look... I get it, I do! I went out by myself at her age(maybe even younger); and to be honest... she is probably more responsible then I was(am?), but things were just different. Its not her I don't trust.

So... since dad threw off my "mean mom routine" by being okay with it; I guess we will see how she does. Dag-nab-it!!

If this is my last post for a while... they probably had to commit me. Just sayin!

Hope you all have a safe and happy Halloween.

 

Random Questions...

I came across these ransom questions a while back and thought it would be fun...

What body part do you wash first? 
My... , no, wait, I was my arms first; up one arm, across the body and down the other. 


What's the strangest talent you have?
I can lay tile and patch holes in dry wall


 Do you parallel park or drive around the block? 
Oh! I can back it up like a Tonka truck, but I will drive around the block in search of some princess parking first 



Have you ever had two dates in one night? 
Would it be bad if I said yes?




Have you ever been to a gay bar? 
Yep! Gay bars are the best!!



Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting? 
Umm no...



Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep? 
Justin and what time I have to get back up.




Have you ever found anything in your parents' bedroom that was questionable? 
No, but I am not sure they would say the same about me   




When is the last time you played the air guitar? 
Yesterday... but I prefer air drums




Have you ever bitten your toenails? 
NO! Even if I could be all bendy enough to get them in my mouth




Name something you do when you're alone that you wouldn't do in front of others.
Run around without a bra 





How many drinks does it take before you get drunk? 
Honestly, I'm not the "get drunk" type. Does that surprise you? If the drinks are stiff... I will start feeling it after about 3, but it will take a couple                                                            more to get me drunk, I think.  




Have you ever sniffed an animal's butt?
Not that I recall  




How often do you clean out your ears?
I clean them after every shower. Habit. 





About how many times a day do you pick a wedgie?
I occasionally have to "adjust", but I don't think I've counted. Does that mean I do it so much I loose count? 





What is the stupidest thing you've ever done at a bar? 
HAHAHA; let's not talk about that.





What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Something cold and wet.




How late did you stay up last night and why?
3 am... because I was on a PowerPoint 





Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m.: who do you want it to be?
Helloooo Mark Wahlberg... or Ryan Renolds... or... were we suppose to pick JUST one?




Do you think too much or too little?
Too much... WAY too much.




Where are your feet right now?
Criss Cross Apple Sauce, baby!! But I have to cut that out because it kinda kills my old lady knees.

In the night...

Not all mornings start this way, but sometimes, for some mom's(and dads too) they do. They can make or break you when you're already on edge from exhaustion.

It's 4am... A Momma sleeps through her 2am alarm, but intuition is calling her name. She bounds out of bed, head pounding because she has been TRYING to get off "the juice" (uhum... the diet coke).

She staggers into her sleeping child's room... poke*3...2...1*beep. 345(sigh); she just wants to sleep.

BOLUS...

EZ BG...

GO...

(music) do do do do do do dooooo do do dooooo do do dooo

(oh good Lord!) Bolus canceled... no insulin in cartridge :/

She zombie stares at the screen while her warped brain wraps itself around what its telling her. She can't think straight, her head is still pounding... ba boom, ba boom, ba boom, making it almost impossible for her to figure out what she needs to do. Her exhaustion says give him a shot to hold him over and allow HIM, at least, get some sleep. She realizes, however, that would be a temporary, half ass fix she will undoubtedly regret later. She rests her head on the rail of her type 1's bed; "How did I let him run out of insulin" she says, on the verge of exhaustion induced tears.

After a few minutes, and quite possibly a quick check of the back of her eyelids, the mom disconnects the pump from her child's restless body. She has figured out a way to let him sleep. Fill the pump now, change the site in the morning she proclaims with a smirk of satisfaction.

She can do this!

When the task is complete, the weary mom drags her tattered body back to her room. She takes a long look at the clock while she calculates what time to set the next alarm; she just gave him a hefty correction, after all. On her way across the room she makes a final plea; please keep her sweet baby safe and do not let her sleep through the alarm this time.

As soon as her head hits the pillow... she dozes off to sleep.

NaBloPoMo... day 13

Advocating...

ad·vo·cat·e, ad·vo·cat·ing, ad·vo·cates. 

To speak, plead, or argue in favor of.   

     

Several years ago I was in a meeting with the school principal. I made a comment, a slip of the tongue, and said something like "I have been fighting for him for a long time". She responded with "we don't like to use the word "fight". 

Yeah, I'm sure they don't.

There are very few people who know the full background of my sweet Justin. Very few people who know that when he was young we had him tested for Autism, then Aspergers and so on. There are few people who know the countless days I spent waiting in OT and speech therapy offices. I don't retell the story of the teacher the kindergarten teacher that, very loudly, announced in the hallway at drop off she felt Justin was OCD; because he was picking at dried glue. I try not to share the story about the teacher who put him in the closet. Yes, I said the closet; it happened in preschool, when Justin was only 3. 

But isn't that part of advocating? Sharing your story to let others know they are not alone. 

I have been fighting advocating for Justin for more than ten years. I'm a little worn out, but my job can not be done quite yet. I'm starting to wonder if it will ever be done. I have visions of me calling corporate bosses to tell them Justin NEEDS his snack and that he MUST be able to bring his work home to complete. They won't want me to go down there. 

To me... advocating is directly connected to fighting. I wish it felt differently, but I always seems to be fighting with someone. The school, the insurance company, the doctor that wants to treat in a way I don't feel comfortable with. I have however learned, over the years, to not back down and choose my wording wisely because it could mean the difference between getting what your child needs and them getting the bare minimum. As an advocate, I think it's sad words can cost our kids so much. 

I have learned, the older Justin gets, the harder it becomes to advocate for him. With each added diagnosis, it gets harder to word your concerns in such a way that they don't sound like a bunch of excuses. School has to be the hardest... instead of a couple teachers, we now have seven. Keeping up with seven different teachers, in addition to making them understand, kind of sucks (or in proper terms... it's unsatisfactory)? 

My most valuable lesson in all of this has come over time. Time has showed me that it has ALL been worth it. Every bout of anger, every tear, every phone call and email sent has all been worth it. I've witnessed it's worth as I have watched Justin grow. I have witnessed how far he has come in spite of those who give up because he has been blessed by those who won't. I have had the chance to watch a child grow everyday that could have easily been chalked off to a behavior problem, and almost was, when all he really needed was a different approach and someone to care enough about him.


To be honest, I had hoped to hang up my advocacy belt soon, only I know I still have a long road ahead. Not nearly as long as Justin's, but I have to lay the groundwork for him now; and that's a big load to haul. All I can do is keep truckin along and pray with all my being that what I can do will be enough. I don't have any other choice if I want Justin to have a fighting chance. Hmm, there goes that "fighting" word again.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to all of those who didn't give up and have been influential, to both of us, along the way.  

     

Sunday Night Confessions...

Just in case you don't know... Sunday night confessions will be short, some silly, some serious once a month-ish confession post to clear the mind. I don't intend for this to become a heavy post, but who knows... It will just depend on the mood. Since it may stick around for a while, I suppose I should make a sassy little header for it (I stole the one above off Google). Maybe I can get around to that tomorrow.

Let the confessing begin... 
-Last night we watched The Avengers; WAY better than my last movie choice. Captain America is a hottie and the body on Thor isn't all that terrible to look at either.

-D Mama fail...Today when I went to bolus Justin for lunch, I got the bolus canceled tune. He only had 4 units left in his pump and I was trying to bolus him for 5. I had to go all back in the day and whip out the syringe since he was already shoveling the food in.

-I have to admit that since I've been working from home it's been a little "bra optional" around here. I do wear cami's with built in bras and stuff, but going all "free" is not like me. The hubs has noticed and made a comment; this is my response... (just ignore that 315)
    

This is the kind of shit my husband has to deal with. He didn't respond BTW. So not fun!

-Back to that 315. Justin was fine at breakfast, 80's I think, then 315 at lunch. By the time snack/PE rolled around... 

Lets also just ignore that request for french onion dip, k.

419?!@? What the shit? Anthony questioned whether or not I changed his site, to be honest... I'm questioning it myself, but I would NEVER admit that. 

Wait, I sure hope he doesn't read this. 

Well, it is this D mama's night off, so I'm outie. What do you confess?

Sunday Night Confessions...

I want to start something new. New for me anyways. Sunday night confessions will be short, some silly, some serious once a month-ish confession post to clear the mind. I don't intend for this to become a heavy post, but who knows... It will just depend on the mood. 

Here we go...

-We were sitting down to watch a movie and Justin asked me to turn up the volume; not paying attention, because I was trying to get settled, I blindly hit the button a couple of times. Justin then says "mom, can you go up one more... I like the volume to be even". As in... the level cant be on 19... I need it on 20 cuz 20 is even. O_o OMGEEEE, he is way to much like his ... er... um... Dad. Yeah, like his dad... that's it. A little OCD is normal-ish, right?

-Today my flat iron broke. This is devastating to a girl with a frizzy fro, okay. I tried to go all old days and iron it with my Black and Decker, but it didn't work. I was lookin a hot mess for a trip to the mall and a birthday party. 

-I watched "What to Expect when your Expecting"... it kinda sucked. I had higher hopes. The best thing about it was the cheese dip I made myself; except when I went to check Justin... the dog helped himself. Damn mutt!! 

-Did I tell you about my flat iron??

-I miss having the time to read blogs... hell, I miss having the time to blog. Every time I try, I pass out, sitting straight up with the computer on my lap. No joke!

-I have no sympathy what.so.ever for people who complain about their lack of sleep. To the point when I might be occasionally kind of rude about it.  Husband, friends, family... no one is exempt from my cheep attempt at the Reyna eye roll. Oh yeah, I go there.

Okay, one last one... 

Since I started working at home, I no longer have that LONG drive into the office, by myself, to think. I hated that long as drive, but now I kinda miss it. I didn't overly like the mascara mess, but I think it cleared up a little of the jumbled up mess that was clogging up in there. I realized this the other day when I took a shower in the kids bathroom. It's dark in there with the black shower curtain and no one can see me. I lost it. I might have to clear my head in there from time to time... their water pressure is better than mine anyways.                                                                   

Here's to a fabulous week!! What do you confess?