Miss It Here...

I have found myself really missing my blog for the past couple months. REALLY missing it, more so than before. Wishing I had more time to sit down and really get it all out. Not that things are bad; they are actualy pretty good, but I can feel myself needing an outlet. That place where I can leave the shit, the worry, the stuff that's piling up because I'm holding it all in. I need the outlet so that I can fully enjoy the actual triumph(s) in front of me and not expload from overload. Afterall, that was the purpose of me starting this blog in the first place.

I think I took for granted the quiet time I use to have during the day when the kids were in school. At the time, before I went back to work full time, Justin was in elementary school with a nurse that was just as in tune to his diabetes as I am. She was a godsend. During the day, I had time to sit, in the quiet, and write about everything. Some things I published and some things still sit in my drafts box, years later, for me to look back on. Maybe one day I will have the courage to hit the publish button on those posts too. Back then, I had the opportunity to cry the quiet tears without anyone knowing. I miss the quiet sometimes.

Balancing work and home has it's definate challenges... doesn't leave space for the quiet time or even not-so-quiet extra time to sit in front of a computer and blog. I won't complain about my job, however, I know how fortunate I am to be able to work from home. I know how fortunate I am to be off work just as the kids are walking in the door from school. Though, as any job will, it has it's "sressful days", I really do actually like what I do. I'm grateful for that.

Diabetes has been, well...diabetes. Justin has started to step up on his own, he's trying new sites for his pump and really chiming in with how we handle cetain parts of his care. This  makes me proud and stressed all at the same time. He called me the other day for lunch, that converstaion went a little like this...
Me: "Hello"
Justin: "Hi mom, my bg is 127, but just so you know I was 50 in 3rd period so I had some skittles, and then on my way to 4th, I still felt low, so I just had some M&M's."
Me: (jaw on the floor) "okay, do what your pump says for lunch"

Did he even need to call me at that point??

On the flip side of that, he's really starting to get frustrated about being 'different". That's how he describes himself. "Different". That makes me sad. He shouldn't have to feel different. Though the cause of him feeling this way can't be balmed solely on D... all the gizomos and vibrating and blood and beeping... sure doesn't help. He asked me not not make him wear the CGM anymore... "the vibrate is loud and people stare". *sigh*

How do I help him feel less different?

 

Further Explanation...

I just wanted to add a little explanation to yesterdays post...

I probably should have mentioned that what I copied over from Scott's blog was only part of his story. It was a small part of a whole post that happened to get to me when I read it(Sorry Scott). 

I would also like to throw out that I am not a crazy mess. For the most part... I AM okay with our daily grind. Justin is happy and neither of us spend our afternoons at a poor pitiful me party crying our eyes out. We do ignore diabetes in our life until its time to deal with it throughout the day(or night). But no matter what you wish... sometimes it can get the best of the best of us. And the main point was that... it's okay.

Having a rough couple of days doesn't mean I choose to live in sadness. It doesn't mean that I drag Justin down with me... I certainly do not. My feelings are not, nor will they ever be, his burden to carry. They are my own.
It just means I need to get it out in order to keep truckin. It's how I re-boot. It helps ME to get all MY bottled up emotion out. It helps ME stay positive for Justin and lift him up when diabetes stops playing fair.


I think this time of year is somewhat tough for me because this is when it all started. I can look back at pictures from 4 years ago and visably see the weightloss that should have been a clue to what was coming... but I didn't see it. So pile that on top of the vomiting due to a high bg's and broken pudding promises(whole other story)
among a few other things and it got to me; and for a short time I allowed it.

Now I can move on.

Memories of Lessons Learned...

On my way to work this week, I was checking my facebook(at a red light, of course)  and a question in one of the groups got me thinking.

A mom had ask the pumpers if they also carried insulin pens or vials with them when they left the house. The answers varied as usual, but there I was, drifting back in time to when Justin was first diagnosed.

I was thinking how his arms have gone back to "normal" since we've been on the pump. Like they were in the beginning... sensitive.

Then I started tearing up as I remembered the first few months of diabetes.

Every time Justin would get a shot, I would hold his arm up and we would get ready to go. I felt so bad as I would stand there.

Justin would tell me to wait a minute and I would say whenever your ready, just let me know.

Then suddenly he would hold his breath... cheeks puffed out and all so that I knew it was time to go ahead and give him the shot.

As soon as it went in his eyes would close. As soon as it was over, I would ALWAYS say... I'm sorry. 

It's not something that I realized I did until one day Justin told me... Mom, please stop telling me your sorry.

Then it hit me... oh my gosh, I do- do that everyday. Everyday I tell him I'm sorry for giving him a shot because I WAS sorry.

I was sorry about him having diabetes...

I was sorry for hurting him everyday...

I was sorry for all of it.

Either way, it was finally Justin that let me know that I needed to cut it out. I didn't need to be sorry. I just needed to do what I had to do to keep him safe.

Lessons learned from a then 7 yr old.