Thursday, July 26, 2012

Part of the life...

I've been chugging along through life pretty smoothly if I do say so myself. D has taken as much of a back seat as it possibly can. Since I've gone back to work, Anthony had to take over a bit of the daytime D care(now if he would only take over the night). When school was in... the nurse would just text me, so I don't think he has felt the full force of it until Justin went to camp this summer and had to start calling him for snacks and lunch. And with all the ice skating and tae kwon do... we had a time getting Justin's bg's to stay up. I need to buy stock in Juicy Juice, for real.

I really thought I was doing well. Just shy of 4 years into this beast and I told myself that I had a handle on my emotions. But I still cracked.

My child throws up over a high blood sugar and I'm back to that guilt ridden mom, who wishes she could make it all better somehow. I read Scott Johnson's post and I blubbered like a baby. 

Over this...

"When my time comes, I want you to celebrate that I don’t have to do this exhausting diabetes thing anymore. I will finally have some peace from the constant attack that diabetes forces into every waking (and sleeping) second of my life. I will finally be able to rest, without worry about my blood sugar, food, insulin, exercise, guilt of imperfect control, or when diabetes will sneak a punch through my defenses.

I live tired. No. I live exhausted. I think it may be fair to say that all of us with type 1 diabetes live exhausted. There are but two ways to relieve that exhaustion.

I wait patiently for a cure (I have not lost faith), but we can only hang on for so long."

How can that not hit you in the gut? Is this the way Justin will feel when he's lived 15 years of his life with diabetes? He will be 22 then, ya know. Only 22. 

I don't want him to live exhausted. 

Do I DO enough now to take away some of the exhaustion?

I don't want him to be one of the pre-authorization I see every day with a diagnosis of complications from diabetes. Every time I see it... I find myself looking up at the age of the member. 

Do I do enough to ensure that he will be healthy when he is my age? By then, Diabetes will have consumed 27 years of his life(Stop trying to calculate that... I'm only 29)

Sometimes I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I feel like every decision is a guessing game. I'm playing guessing games with my child's life. It's not right.  

I have been this way for two days. Feeling of guilt consuming me at times. 

How dare I, I suppose? How dare I when there's so much to be thankful for and so many others going through far more than I(SCL).

I think its important for me to have these days. I think it helps me let it out and stand tall to take the beast head on. I don't think of it as "fuss or hysterics or histrionics" ... I think of it as human. And I am okay with that. 


Tracy1918 said...

I've been feeling the same way recently. Especially when I check Matthew at night. (We've had some LONG night recently. It breaks my heart that our kids have to live with this...

Alexis Nicole said...

Between you and Scott I'm a mess.

It's almost 4 years, yet it seems like an eternity already,

I love you. I'm kind of at loss for words,,,which never happens.

Hallie Addington said...

Ugh. I get this. I feel this way. It's been taking a backseat here, too. As much as it ever does, I guess. And yet those words bring me to my knees.

I get it. I'm exhausted. And yet I'm not the one feeling the effects on the inside. I will carry this for her now as long as I can. But one day, God willing, she will take over. And is that how she will feel? Omg- that's awful.

I get it. When she's my age she will have lived with D for 33 years. When she reaches the 25 mark she will be 28. That makes me sick to my stomach.

And as "ok" as I am with this life- I will NEVER be ok with that. (I feel a blog post coming on...)

I fully believe that it's ok to feel that way. It's ok to feel and express these emotions. Because you're not alone. And ignoring it will only hurt in the end. So, rage on. Cry. Scream. Get a diet vanilla coke. And count your blessings. It's ok to feel it all. SCL

Denise aka Mom of Bean said...

Completely (trying not to use 'totally' which seems to be my favorite word right now!?!) agree that we have to let those emotions out from time to time so we can stand back up and fight our hearts out.

Bean has been feeling her highs (glad because she doesn't usually, but damn, they are hard!) the past couple of days and it just rips my guts out even more to know that as much as I'm exhausted and hate D, SHE'S the one who is FEELING it all and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy...well, at least not for too long! ;)

Know that you are supported from every side! **HUGS**

OH, OH, forgot to tell you....I saw a mom and daughter at Target the other day, both wearing some massively high wedges and thought of you!! ;)

Kelly said...

Its funny to hear you say that you look up the ages of the patients you come across @ work with complications...I do that too!(medical billing) I just have to! I often find myself reading through all their records...just to see if there is something SOMEWHERE that says they were "non-compliant"...we all want to believe complications only happen to those who are/were "non-compliant" in some way.

Ive hit a guilty path lately also, then Scotts post came about and it made me realize how angry I am because my husband just doesnt get it. I know I have often shared the same feelings Scott mentioned in his blog post...but whats even more frustrating to me is that my husband, of all people, thinks Im "silly" by being overwhelmed at all sometimes, which in turn makes me feel incredibly alone without the DOC. So..thanks for this post! I needed to hear the feelings of same same right about now!

Unknown said...

WOW...I did not read Scott's post. Those words...ouch...and, yet so incredibly true.

I am with ya...cruising along...and then punched in the gut by a bad low and the reality hits, yet again. It is not going to go away; it is exhausting.

Sarah said...

BUT...and here's the big thing for me, I think a lot of it depends upon the person and their inner disposition.
My husband doesn't walk around with rose colored glasses, but he doesn't feel like he's lived his life exhausted (well now with kids he does!) He wasn't diagnosed until 11, but it's be 2/3 of his life at this point and he doesn't even focus on a cure - not that he's hopeless, just that he's thankful right now. I think there is only so much we can do and have to help our children see the positive in each moment, help ease the burden of t1d when we can, and above that know that things will be great - their lives will be amazing and they have the ability to change millions with experience and attitude:)

Sarah said...

lora, I just read scott's full has to be very hard to loose a person that was such a great example to him. Times like this are definitely tough. Thank you for sharing his post, it reminds me to never loose hope. :)

Misty said...

This is a great post! I have often thought about this when I'm feeling "tired of dealing with D" and then I think of Ally who actually has to "deal with D". Like Hallie, I will do as much of the day to day "dealing" with it now as I can, because I know that one day it will all be on her shoulders. Hugs to you & SCL!

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