Choosing...

“The problem, simply put, is that we cannot choose everything simultaneously. So we live in danger of becoming paralyzed by indecision, terrified that every choice might be the wrong choice.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert

Here I am again. It's 1:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. My head and stomach are in knots because there is a.n.o.t.h.e.r meeting.

Freaking meetings... Kill me now!

This time it is to come up with a plan for standardized testing. Last month, Justin's 504 wasn't followed during FCAT's. One day his bg wasn't tested at all and the next they allowed him to start testing with a bg of 61.

I spent four weeks asking for someone to get back with me so that we could "find a resolution".
And for four weeks those calls/emails went unanswered.

Until I emailed the county superintendent.

Unfortunately, you could tell by the tone in her voice, the AP was quite "ticked" when she called me. I pray this doesn't set the tone when we meet next week. #nothopeful

I worry that this will be a bashing session, rather than a solution meeting. Because that is exactly what the phone call was. I am not ignorant to the reality that the challenges over the past school year have damaged the lines of communication(if there really were any to begin with). Its been a rough year. Lot's of "that is not our responsibility" and you need to contact so and so... who send you to so and so #2 who then sends you to so and so #3 who ultimately send you back to the original so and so.

I have two choices here... keep him there or move him. Each option is a win/loose situation.

Keeping him there...
I honestly don't think they are ever going to work with me. I've been labeled to the point where they don't even bother to answer an email. All for advocating for my child. Justin has been labeled as well. My confidence in "the system" is gone. Justin is struggling emotionally and it's not worth all this stress on either of us. Can I even survive two more years of this?

However, his sister is there. I don't have to worry about him on the bus because I know she is watching him. I don't have to worry about transportation. He has friends there... kids that he has gone to school with since kindergarten. It's pure bullshit that he should be yanked out of his neighborhood school because they can't get their shit together. He.has.the.right.to.be.there!

If I move him...
I don't know how I am going to get him back and forth. This will be a challenge for the next two years. He will not go to high school with any of the kids at the new school so he will have to start all over socially. This is a big challenge for a shy kid with confidence/emotional struggles(and she begins to cry). I would have to choose a new school and deal with all the worries of making the right choice. Justin and I would have to live with the consequences if I choose wrong.

But, I could start fresh with a new "team" that may be more willing to help him( that is if they haven't been warned about his witch of a mother). A team that may be more compassionate. I would start a new year hopeful. Maybe I could even stop crying and get some sleep. Maybe I could even stop stress eating... MAYBE.

I just don't know what to do. You can not imagine how much this is killing me. I only want what is best for him. I only want him to succeed and be happy. But reality is I am am failing. He is struggling and he is unhappy. He needs a break. WE need a break.

Memories... Diabetes Blog Week

Today's topic...

Click for the Memories - Wednesday 5/15 Link List

Today we’re going to share our most memorable diabetes day. You can take this anywhere.... your or your loved one's diagnosis, a bad low, a bad high, a big success, any day that you’d like to share. (Thanks to Jasmine of Silver-Lined for this topic suggestion.)

I can remember it so well... Our first "fighting low". You know what I'm talking about; the kind of low that makes them fight you. Makes them refuse to drink. The kind that makes you panic and question if you're capable of going for the Glucagon if it comes to that. 

It went a little something like this...

It was summer. Justin and I were in the school's media center folding and labeling the newsletters so that we could get them mailed out. Other than one other mom, who was helping, we were alone.  To be honest, I really didn't know her that well so I am sure it was a shock when I started screaming and my then 8 year old son for no obvious reason. Not obvious to an "outsider" anyways.

I promise I didn't flip out right away, after all, we were at least 7 or so months in and I had this all under control by then, right? **Wishful denial might be more like it**. 

I can see it in my head. Sitting there folding away, the happy little mommy volunteer, looking at her son getting a little pale. 

"Justin, you okay?"

"Justin"

"JusTin" - a little hint of aggravation forming because this is not funny to me. 

"JUSTIN" - dragging him outside to yell because he's just not listening to me.

And the fighting begins...

An eternity passes as a mom fights her 8 year old son. Pleading with him to drink.

Her mind is spinning with what to do next. Do I have the Glucagon? Do I have the cake gel? Do I have it in me to use it? Have I practiced enough?

She's getting madder. Why? The anger can only be out of pure fear.

"Dear God, Justin, drink the juice"

"PLEASE" 

And just as quick as it started it was over. 

Juice was consumed. 

The Mom's heart was broken and full of guilt for yelling. But what else could she do?

She was terrified.

And she will never forget that feeling for as long as she lives.

We, the Undersigned... Diabetes Blog week - day 2

Today's topic...

Recently various petitions have been circulating the Diabetes Online Community, so today let’s pretend to write our own. Tell us who you would write the petition to – a person, an organization, even an object (animate or inanimate) - get creative!! What are you trying to change and what have you experienced that makes you want this change? (Thanks to Briley of inDpendence for this topic suggestion.)

IF I were able to petition anything, I would petition the perfect 504 plan. Yeah, an "air tight" 504 plan. It would cover everything from testing to lock downs and everything before, after and in between. It would be a standard plan, based on your child's disability/disabilities. It would be valid no matter where you lived. It would be binding and non negotiable. It would fit everyone... "not like a one size fit all" plan or anything... more like a "we gotcha covered no matter what plan".  And if the school(s) didn't follow it... there would be serious consequences for those involved. 

I think some of these schools need a wake up call. I think some people need a new lesson in humanity and understanding. I am so tired of fighting for reasonable accommodations. Things that SHOULD be a no brainer are a fight ... Wait! The school does not like to use that term, challenge, everything is a challenge. I call Bull Shit!!! I say if you have disabilities, even if they are invisible, you should be able to get the accommodations you need. Tools to help you be successful in spite of the challenges you face. The absolute last thing we should be given is a hard time... we have enough of a hard time... We don't need anyone to give it to us.

Signed,
Crapstix... I think this just turned into a rant :/