Miss It Here...

I have found myself really missing my blog for the past couple months. REALLY missing it, more so than before. Wishing I had more time to sit down and really get it all out. Not that things are bad; they are actualy pretty good, but I can feel myself needing an outlet. That place where I can leave the shit, the worry, the stuff that's piling up because I'm holding it all in. I need the outlet so that I can fully enjoy the actual triumph(s) in front of me and not expload from overload. Afterall, that was the purpose of me starting this blog in the first place.

I think I took for granted the quiet time I use to have during the day when the kids were in school. At the time, before I went back to work full time, Justin was in elementary school with a nurse that was just as in tune to his diabetes as I am. She was a godsend. During the day, I had time to sit, in the quiet, and write about everything. Some things I published and some things still sit in my drafts box, years later, for me to look back on. Maybe one day I will have the courage to hit the publish button on those posts too. Back then, I had the opportunity to cry the quiet tears without anyone knowing. I miss the quiet sometimes.

Balancing work and home has it's definate challenges... doesn't leave space for the quiet time or even not-so-quiet extra time to sit in front of a computer and blog. I won't complain about my job, however, I know how fortunate I am to be able to work from home. I know how fortunate I am to be off work just as the kids are walking in the door from school. Though, as any job will, it has it's "sressful days", I really do actually like what I do. I'm grateful for that.

Diabetes has been, well...diabetes. Justin has started to step up on his own, he's trying new sites for his pump and really chiming in with how we handle cetain parts of his care. This  makes me proud and stressed all at the same time. He called me the other day for lunch, that converstaion went a little like this...
Me: "Hello"
Justin: "Hi mom, my bg is 127, but just so you know I was 50 in 3rd period so I had some skittles, and then on my way to 4th, I still felt low, so I just had some M&M's."
Me: (jaw on the floor) "okay, do what your pump says for lunch"

Did he even need to call me at that point??

On the flip side of that, he's really starting to get frustrated about being 'different". That's how he describes himself. "Different". That makes me sad. He shouldn't have to feel different. Though the cause of him feeling this way can't be balmed solely on D... all the gizomos and vibrating and blood and beeping... sure doesn't help. He asked me not not make him wear the CGM anymore... "the vibrate is loud and people stare". *sigh*

How do I help him feel less different?

 

Caught off guard...

I could tell as soon as he walked in the door that he was upset. The pressure of middle school sure can get to him. Im sure the 65 that showed up on the meter didn't help how he was handling himself either.

I tell him to grab a snack out of the closet and his book bag; we need to leave for tutor. He listens with a somewhat frustrated "tone", and we walk out the door.

On the way, I take the opportunity to find out what's eating him. He says he "just couldn't think today". He couldn't think of a hook to write about in language arts. Other people had really good hooks, but he just couldn't think of one.

This means he got nothing done.

Now I know what your thinking... Really, he's upset over that?!?! Keep in mind that Justin is a perfectionist, he takes medication that slows his thinking and he's been running low today. Please cut him a little slack.

I talk to Justin about how the hook doesn't have to be perfect, I talk about how getting upset makes thinking harder. I give him almost the same talk I do every time he gets frustrated. But this time he caught me off guard... He asked me if I could get him someone to talk to. "Like a therapist".

What?

Don't get me wrong, I am all for getting help, it's even something I've talked about doing, but for my 11 year old son to ASK for it. That kind of hurts.

Justin tends to bottle things up, kinda like him momma, I hope finding him someone to talk to will give him the release he needs or the answer he's looking for. 

A SWEET RESPONSE...

“Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are". ~Bernice Johnson Reagon

The loaded questions... You know... "How are you doing?" "How is Justin doing?". Those questions.

For the most part, I answer those questions with the automatic, "fine, thank you for asking", generic kind of response. Only certain people really know that it is quite the undertaking to keep it together sometimes.

This past week has kicked my a double s...

The seizures. The seizure medication and its side effects. The wondering how I missed another major medical issue. The highest A1C Justin's had since dx. All of it. Piling up.

Anyways...

At work today I was asked... "How are you? How is Justin".

Maybe I am tired of my generic answer. Maybe I just needed to vent. Maybe I had the urge to test the sincerity of the question. Maybe a higher power knew I needed to hear the heartfelt response that I received. I don't know... maybe it was all of the above.

So, in response to the question, I answered something like this...

"He's okay I guess... I think this medication has been hard on him. There have been some noticeable changes in his mood and he has not been sleeping well. Both are possible side effects of the seizure medication. I am supposed to wait 10 days before I get his blood drawn so that they can check his "chemical balance". It's a hard call.

How are you doing? Did you get your water heater fixed?"


I have to admit that I expected the usual "I am so sorry to hear that". Instead, I got this... (I removed the details about the water heater... she got a new one in case your wondering :)


"Justin- hate to hear!!! I know it's all hard on him and you. Medicine really is trial and error and until they have it all adjusted correctly I know it can be physically and emotionally draining.
 Look up!!


I pray it all comes together quickly. When the circumstances try to over take you stop take a deep breath and reassure your self there is a light. When the pressure and uncertainty seems more than you can bear within your heart cast it on a loving God. I know that may seem trivial and twilight zone-ish do do do do...but there is a God whose ways are greater than ours. He works out every detail of our life according to his plan though through it all we don't always understand and it doesn't come as quickly as we would like at times but he still knows, he still cares, and he still has it under his control if we give it to him. Better to know than not to know. Better to be working on resolve then not.


I know you are troubled as a mother...I can't imagine! But his word says he gives peace that passes all understanding in spite of our circumstances. He is able to put a settling in our heart and a reassurance of him beyond what we can understand in logic. We all have moments of despair but when we recognize we are there he just asks us to cast it on him.


Any thing I can do...let me know!! Just need to vent...call me. May not have an answer but i can be a download for you:)"


Of course I cried. I can hold it together much better if I don't think about it - AT ALL!!


Life's challenges sure have a way of knocking you on your ass, that's for sure.


One day at a time ~ right?

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. Your words lifted my spirits more than you can imagine.