When Taking Control Scares the Mama...

It was my night off. I don't get them often... Maybe once every other week or so. The reason behind that is an entire blog post in itself, so I'll save it for later. Justin tested his BG before bed and he was 189, a tad high, but he had about .40u still on board from the strawberry dessert he had at his Nonie's house; so I let him go and told the hubby to set his alarm for 1:30. By all rights, this IOB should have landed him right above 150.

In the night, sometime after 3am (it was actually 3:45am I found later) I feel the hubby jump out of bed. This can only mean he slept through his alarm. Thankfully, so we thought, Justin was sittin pretty with a BG of 145.

The next morning Justin drops the bomb...
"Before I fell asleep last night, I checked my blood and it was 49. I had some Skittles and a Hershey Nugget."

Silence(insert birds tweeting and my heart breaking into 1000 pieces)...

"Thank you for taking care of that, buddy, what time was it?"...

"I don't know", he says.

Looking back in the meter logbook it was a few minutes after midnight.

I don't think about the "what ifs" that much anymore. 5 1/2 years into this T1 journey, we just roll with whatever is thrown our way, but ever since that... I'm scared all over again.

Part of me is extremely mad that Anthony slept through that alarm. Angry that I can't even take one night off without worry. ONE! The thoughts of what if Justin didn't handle it on his own won't leave me... what if... what would he have found at 3:45?

I am so thankful Justin has started taking control and I am proud that he knows how to handle his care. But all I could do, besides praise him for a job well done (he was sitting pretty at 145 after all) and thank him for letting me know what happened, was remind him that no matter what time it is... he can come get me so that I can check him again to make sure he's safe.

I could not imagine the alternative. Praying all of out sweet children sleep safe.

Blindness...

February Photo Challenge... day 8

Today's challenge is the "sun".

Staring at the sun feels a lot like your child being diagnosed with a life long illness - everything goes white. It takes a period of time for you to begin to refocus and even then your vision is weak at best.

You squint your eyes, rub them, close them tight; as they water from the burning. The blindness of it all is scary, but eventually we DO start to see again.

Here's to finding our way out of the blindness. 

Confessions of a D-Mama...

As moms we all have things that we are thankful for and things that scare the shiz-nit out of us. As D-Mamas... we have extra things. Things that the typical mama does not have to deal with. Such as stereotypes, advocating, educating, lack of sleep etc...

Here are some of my quiet fears and also some stuff I am secretly thankful for...

- Justin has always been "well built". I'm talking rock hard stomach surfer body type of built. Deep down I am thankful for this. I know that sounds kind of bad, but I honestly find it a bit easier to explain type one not being a metabolism problem.


- I am thankful that Justin only eats a handful of things. It makes it easier to bolus him when we are out. I can "swag" a cheeseburger and fries like nobodies business.


- I don't always educate when I have the opportunity. I admit it... sometimes I just don't have the darn energy. Then sometimes the comment made is so stupid... I am more in rage mode and one more stupid comment would case me to go all Bruce Lee on someone. Better to clinch teeth and avoid further contact at that point ;)


-  I want help. I want my husband to learn how to help more, but I find it easier to just do it than to try and explain or teach. I am all about what is easier these days... even if the easier is just for the moment.


- It kills me to just let him sleep in. I check on him constant even though I know he is just getting caught up on some much needed rest.


- I hate telling new D Mamas that it will get better in time. I know it WILL get better for them, but I also remember thinking "WHEN will it get better" every time I was told to give it time. I do still try to share the wise words... just cringe doing so :)


- I am not sure how I am going to get Justin to do site changes without the Emla. Our script is almost out and I am worried that the Endo will not be willing to give me another one. I had to ague for that one! At what age should I make him suck it up when I KNOW that junk hurts?


- I am scared of the change in the air. Carbs have started to have a greater effect on him recently. I could give him two cookies to "bump him up" enough to go out and play. Now, tow cookies throws him into the 300's. That's just an example... I have a lot of changes to wrap my bulging brain around.


- I am scared there will be a day that I can't afford his prescriptions. I don't talk much about the financial strain D has caused us personally, but it has in a big way. I am thankful for my insurance and I trust that we will be okay. I just worry that there will be that day when all this will finish us off. If that makes sense.


I could keep going, but I have to get ready for dinner. What are your fears? What are you thankful for? I need to know. Today is just one of those days.