"You can not change the circumstances,
the seasons or the wind"...
As I drove Justin to school this morning it hit me... I can not be that mom anymore. The mom I was watching, happily walking her child to class. The mom chit-chatting with the other moms as their kids run ahead swinging their lunchbox back and forth. The mom I have been for so long and the mom I wish I was still able to be... just a little longer.
Last night I accepted a full time position. This path has been a long time coming, the financial hit we took during the down turn in the economy a few years ago and the high cost medical expenses we face each month has lead me to where I am today. I know I am not alone in this struggle. Many D-Mamas I hold closest to my heart, face the same challenges I do. Choosing between filling a prescription and paying a bill is a hard hard pill to swallow for anyone.
*Just to clarify: I do already work... two jobs, both part time and both super flexible. Kids get sick, bg's are high... I stay home/leave.
Okay, back to post...
The quiet ride to work today felt longer than usual. I hate riding in the car alone; it gives me to much time to think. The car can be a lonely place(does that even make sense?). I cried the whole way. I cried out of fear of the unknown, out of guilt for leaving my kids and out of anger for not having the option of another choice.
Walking into work today didn't prove to be much easier. I had the daunting task of telling my favorite cousin that I was leaving. I don't know if it was reality sinking further and further into the orbs of my mind or if I really just didn't want to give her my notice, but the crying continued. I'm such a baby!
This afternoon we had to stop and talk with my Mother-in-law. We are going to need help. Emergency at school help, help during some morning getting Justin on the bus, some afternoons getting him off or help picking him up on time from wherever we decide to take him. With D in the mix, I just don't feel comfortable with him coming home on his own.
Please don't mistake the above as being ungrateful for the opportunity that I have. I have been offered a great job with great pay and even the possibility of working from home after ten months. All of the searching for a full time job has led me to one that I think will be great in the long term. I truly believe that GOD has his hand in the path that I have been walking down and has presented me with this opportunity at the right time and at the right place. I know in my heart that it will be okay.
Only, okay doesn't make it easier. I have been home for a long time. I was blessed to have had that opportunity. Even when I started working two years ago... I was home when my kids got out of school.
This is going to be a big adjustment for all of us. Decisions on what to do about Justin need to be made - my kids have never been in a daycare. The nurse and teachers need to be talked to, communication will be transferred to Anthony for the time being. I am not sure how to hand over control. Maybe the adjustment I will be making will be the hardest of all.