After reading
Meri's post about "staying out of the
loony bin"; all kinds of thoughts started running through my mind. As I was finishing up what turned out to be the longest comment EVER... I decided to blog it instead.
There has probably been a few posts lately to credit this
inspiration... Wendy talked about
"steps" ... the time after your
childs diagnoses where you go through all kinds of different stages.
These stages take years for a lot of us. And even when we think we are past one stage of the game and into the next... something happens to take us back a few paces. That seems to happen to me all the time.
We are 1 year and 8 1/2 months into playing the game. I would like to think I have accepted life as I now know it, but I don't think I can honestly say I have. I know I am not in denial... I never went through that stage because D never crossed my mind before the day he was diagnosed. When I found out... I went right into shock and stayed there for a heck of a long time, only peeking out for the
occasional bout of anger. Like Wendy said... "I felt like time in MY world had stopped, but the rest of the world kept moving". I plead for someone to make me understand why. Why is this happening. What did I do wrong and why is he paying for it. I don't do that to much anymore... I've decided it's not for me to know why. So I have decided to search for my purpose in all this instead (more on that later).
I skipped around the steps a bit compared to Wendy... I am sure we all have our own order depending on how we rolled the dice and what chance card we happen to draw.
For me... the next to set in was
grief and the feeling of being alone. I was numb, I felt alone in my own family- my own house even. I felt alone in my fears. This was my fog.
About ten months after Justin's diagnosis... a blog was born... I was in search of something to sink my head into.
Originally I started a craft blog thinking that it would be my hiding spot. My break from my aching mind. Then I came across another D mom's blog... I THINK it was
Jill's. It was then I decided that I had a whole lot more to say about my life dealing with diabetes than I did about a hobby. Don't get me wrong... I LOVE doing
paper crafting,
scrap booking,
card making etc... but my mind was so consumed within the thick walls of my fog that I couldn't see through it for anything else anyways.
After a few posts... I started getting comments. Maybe because I was mustering up the strength to make comments on the blogs I started following. This is when the fog started to lift. The encouragement, understanding and support from others was more than I would have ever thought it to be. Eventually, it was clear enough for me to find the path and the strength to pull me out of my murky haze. I guess this is when I started to heal and feel connected. It's like I wasn't lost anymore with nowhere and
no one to ask for directions.
So where am I now??
I would have to say I am in a
combination of the stages... Robotic at times
(more than I would like to be). Still in search of my purpose and Just TRYING to function.
I am still heartbroken and scared. Fearful of his future and if he will wake up every morning to have one. We had 3
(yes, THREE) juices in the middle of the night last night. Between midnight and 5am. Our lowest point... 41. *sigh* I don't even get scared at the 40's anymore... the scary part is that I won't wake up and I will miss a low one day. Because we all know to well that it only take ONE TIME to make our worst nightmare a reality.
Like
Meri... I hope that I can live one day, I hope that I can find a way to relax and just be a mom...
I hope that I can find a way to really function.
