Thursday, July 8, 2010

F-U-N-C-T-I-O-N...

After reading Meri's post about "staying out of the loony bin"; all kinds of thoughts started running through my mind. As I was finishing up what turned out to be the longest comment EVER... I decided to blog it instead.


There has probably been a few posts lately to credit this inspiration... Wendy talked about "steps" ... the time after your childs diagnoses where you go through all kinds of different stages.
These stages take years for a lot of us. And even when we think we are past one stage of the game and into the next... something happens to take us back a few paces. That seems to happen to me all the time.


We are 1 year and 8 1/2 months into playing the game. I would like to think I have accepted life as I now know it, but I don't think I can honestly say I have. I know I am not in denial... I never went through that stage because D never crossed my mind before the day he was diagnosed. When I found out... I went right into shock and stayed there for a heck of a long time, only peeking out for the occasional bout of anger. Like Wendy said... "I felt like time in MY world had stopped, but the rest of the world kept moving". I plead for someone to make me understand why. Why is this happening. What did I do wrong and why is he paying for it. I don't do that to much anymore... I've decided it's not for me to know why. So I have decided to search for my purpose in all this instead (more on that later).


I skipped around the steps a bit compared to Wendy... I am sure we all have our own order depending on how we rolled the dice and what chance card we happen to draw.

For me... the next to set in was grief and the feeling of being alone. I was numb, I felt alone in my own family- my own house even. I felt alone in my fears. This was my fog.


About ten months after Justin's diagnosis... a blog was born... I was in search of something to sink my head into. Originally I started a craft blog thinking that it would be my hiding spot. My break from my aching mind. Then I came across another D mom's blog... I THINK it was Jill's. It was then I decided that I had a whole lot more to say about my life dealing with diabetes than I did about a hobby. Don't get me wrong... I LOVE doing paper crafting, scrap booking, card making etc... but my mind was so consumed within the thick walls of my fog that I couldn't see through it for anything else anyways.


After a few posts... I started getting comments. Maybe because I was mustering up the strength to make comments on the blogs I started following. This is when the fog started to lift. The encouragement, understanding and support from others was more than I would have ever thought it to be. Eventually, it was clear enough for me to find the path and the strength to pull me out of my murky haze. I guess this is when I started to heal and feel connected. It's like I wasn't lost anymore with nowhere and no one to ask for directions.


So where am I now??


I would have to say I am in a combination of the stages... Robotic at times (more than I would like to be).
Still in search of my purpose and Just TRYING to function.

I am still heartbroken and scared. Fearful of his future and if he will wake up every morning to have one. We had 3(yes, THREE) juices in the middle of the night last night. Between midnight and 5am. Our lowest point... 41. *sigh* I don't even get scared at the 40's anymore... the scary part is that I won't wake up and I will miss a low one day. Because we all know to well that it only take ONE TIME to make our worst nightmare a reality.

Like Meri... I hope that I can live one day, I hope that I can find a way to relax and just be a mom...

I hope that I can find a way to really function.

12 comments:

Misty said...

Lora, LOVE your post!
We are exactly a year and 5 months after Ally's diagnosis and I am also playing a game on the steps. Did you ever play rock school when you were a kid? I don't remember the rules, I just remember going up and down the steps at my grandmother's house. This is how I feel about where I am with D...like you its more of a game of rock school, I jump around a bit. One thing I do know is that finding this community of D-families has really helped pull me up the steps when I feel myself slipping back down. Thanks for sharing your feelings...so nice to know we are NOT ALONE!

Meri said...

You will live! You will! I have my days...days where I go back to one of those stages I thougt I left behind. 12 years, and I still have my anger days, my robot days, my why us days. Diabetes sucks...the emotions bury us sometimes, but at the end of the day our children live each day to the fullest, and that makes it all worth it. I know that is what gets you through. Knowing that Justin is happy. My boys smiles get me through too. (((HUGS))) Lora. I'll be here every step of the way. Lay it on us when you need to! Love ya!

Heather said...

Lora,
I feel the same way. I just want to learn to function, really function. I go up and down those stairs that Wendy talked about. I was a robot for the first 5 months, without any emotions and just did what I had to do. Everyone said I was so strong. Little did they know...Once Audrey went on the pump, I had a breakdown. The reality of it hit me HARD. It is still hitting me. It hits me everyday and sometimes I wonder (after a year and 3 months into this) if it will ever get "easier". It is SO nice to know I am not alone. You and all the other D-moms out there are such a blessing to me. Thanks so much for sharing.

Wendy said...

Beautiful post, Lora (((HUGS)))

It's crazy how I can read everyone's perspective of their own stairway and see myself standing on those steps as if they were my own. Alot of my steps meshed together -- sometimes I fell back a few and then crawled up hoping to find a new platform...

And that's just it. Right NOW, I feel acceptance -- something I can't honestly say I've felt before. But...at any moment that could change -- I might tumble back into a fit of anger or break down into a storm of tears.

Sharing this journey with you and so many other incredible mothers has been the biggest blessing I could have ever found.

Love you, my friend.

phonelady said...

Okay I feel like Im qualified to answer this one I was 16 yrs old when I was dxed and am now 49 yrs old and yes you will live and so will justin and he will wake up even in a state of low because it does happen . Because at 17.5 yrs I had a very serious low while sleeping and did wake up . So it will probably be when he gets older . You and justin and the rest of us are going to be just fine . Remember God dont make junk !!!

Amanda said...

Lora, you are great. You helped pull me out of that fog and haze that you talk about! So sorry you have been having the crazy lows at night! I hope that eases up for you guys! Hugs to you!

Laura said...

I'm so glad you began you blog - what would I do without my d-mom bloggy friends?

I would be LOST! I am so glad we are taking these steps together.

Love you, Lora!

Reyna said...

I too feel like I stopped parenting (or being a mom) to both of my children for like 2 years. I see it all so clearly now looking back...I was a robotic, needle-wielding, set-inserting, carb-counting machine...I was pissed - hell yeah...SAD - ABSOLUTELY. Funny how time helps somewhat...but even now, 4 years into this - I am tired, I am "D"-ed OUT, I need a break from "D"...and yet I feel guilty for wanting one, because my beautiful son, Joe will never get one. EVER.

I LOVE YOU GIRL!!!

Pam said...

Just as our children need to learn to accept their new reality, so do we. Just because you're not functioning the same way you used to, doesn't mean you're not functionig. I know the tiredness, stress, worry, fear. We all do. But this is where you're supposed to be. Taking care of your son, who had diabetes. You may not realize it yet, but you're already on your path. Just look at all those you've influenced with you blog!

Hallie said...

So, so, so, so, so, so, so, SO TRUE! I feel the same way! Up and down and up and down. My emotions are like the numbers, I guess! I don't know why either.... but I feel that there IS a reason. I don't think it is an accident that we all found each other. ((hugs)) to you, Lora. Just keep walking forward. And we'll be there with you. Sometimes to push you forward. Sometimes to lift you up. And sometimes we need YOUR push. Love you, girl!

Heidi / Jack's Pack said...

You WILL find a way to function. It's just a matter of time. You're heading in the right direction. You're moving forward. And now you have all of us to help you along the way! :)

Jessica said...

Just catching up on my reading, and I am blown way by how it seems that we are all on the same wavelength right now. I know just how you feel, and I am so glad my tired brain decided to start a blog which led me to all of you.

Big hugs.

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