Tuesday, June 8, 2010

12 times...

12 times... that's how many times Justin checked his BS at school between 8:45 and 12:40.
Think about that... 12 times in less than 4 hours. 12 finger pokes. 12 new holes to harden the tip of his fingers. 12 drops of blood to fill 12 test strips.


I was subbing in a third grade class when the phone rang. "C" (our nurse) was asking if we had made any changes over the weekend. Justin had come to the clinic at 8:45 complaining of dizziness. Mind you, he just ate a half of a PB&J less than 30 minutes before. Not to mention his usual 50(ish) carb breakfast not long before that. Yet, he was "dizzy and glazed".

He was asked questions... but his "glazed" look over powered any answer he could drum up.

  • "C" treated and retested 10 minutes later. Justin's BG level dropped more even after 2 tabs.

  • 1 more tab and 5 more minutes... BG lower

  • 17g and 10 more minutes... BG lower

  • Juice and 15 minutes... were FINALLY moving in the right direction.

  • He was sent back to class at 9:25 knowing that he would have his usual 10:15 check.


  • 19c snack... plus popcorn party and 50 minutes later... low again.

  • 2 tabs... 10 minutes later... STILL DROPPING!

That was his morning... the "easy" life of a diabetic right? No big deal?

I don't agree one bit. Because on this morning... the one that is reflected by the numbers on this paper below... show a child sitting in the nurses office while his friends were on the playground for recess. He is "dizzy", "glazed" and "unable to answer questions". He feels terrible... but he wishes more than anything that he could go out and play. The one time in the day his class would get a break from work... and he is sitting!

Not only that... but because he spent 1 hour and 35 minutes with the nurse within that 4 hour time period... he didn't get his work done. Meaning... extra homework! Fair? Not hardly!!

Notes from "C"...

This has been one of those weeks. You know... the angry, emotional, lost, numb and kinda bitter weeks. WHY? I don't know... full moon? PMS? diet is making me edgy? All possibilities I'm sure.

Have you ever felt as if you've lost yourself? Do you ever look in the mirror and wonder where you went? Is the girl that everyone referred to as "always happy and smiling" still in there hiding behind the dark baggy circles and sadness? Will she ever return?

I keep staring at myself... I have aged so much. I look WAY older than I am and no amount of makeup will hide the casualties of worry that have seized the girl I use to be.

I miss her... I miss her spirit... her spunk... her energy. I miss the optimism that has been replaced by skepticism.

Where's the girl that had no fear... because this one is drowning in it.

I want her back................. P.L.E.A.S.E.

Whoa!! Now that this post went WAY off track... I should probably wrap it up. If you made it this far... thanks and sorry. Thanks for being here and sorry I went off on a pity party. I think I need to eat some carbs or something :)

Good night all...


Sarah said...

Just happened upon your blog and I am glad I did. I know exactly how you feel...I'm turning 31 in weeks and feel like I look sooo much older. My son was dx just 7 months ago and I don't think I've gotten to bed before 2AM since then, I wake every two hours and then our day starts at 8am. It's tough. It's tough on us and even tougher on our babes. I am sorry that you're going through this. I wish it were possible to take it all on for the whole d community for a while so that others and their precious kiddos could get a break just for a bit.
I hope you find a way to recoup and enjoy the little joys of each day as they're there - just hiding under a pile of test strips right next to the ever necessary pot of coffee!

phonelady said...

Lora it is one of those wks where everything is crazy .would you care to see my face ? huh wrinkles galore why cause Im always worrrying about this or that and it is a constant battle to keep my sanity . I so know how you are feeling .

Joanne said...

Oh Lora, you are still that girl... I see it in your posts and your comments you leave on my blog. It sucks, doesn't it? Feeling over-shadowed and beaten down by this disease... but you will overcome it and be back to your usual spunky self because you are so much stronger than D! Hugs to you and I hope things level out for you soon.

Amanda said...

No wonder you are feeling down - that is a ROUGH day! Watching your kids hurt is the hardest kind of pain there is. I agree with Joanne...Even if you don't feel it, I still see that spunky fun lady! You always make me laugh. I hope today is better for Justin and you!

Hallie Addington said...

UGH. I HATE those days. I'm so sorry for you and Justin both.

I seriously could have written this post. I feel THE SAME WAY! I, too, look at pictures and wonder what happened to that girl. The smiling girl. The skinny girl. The girl who didnt worry about keeping her child alive.

On the good days, I know we're still there. Somewhere. It's just that some days we're closer to the surface than others.

Hang in there, Lora. (((hugs)))

The Crazy Pancreas said...

Just wanted to say, HANG IN THERE!


Meri said...

My son looked at an old family picture on my mother in laws wall and asked me who that lady was in the picture...it was me. :( I SOOO know! On the bright side, even though diabetes can dish out the worst of the worst days...tomorrow can be better! Our little victories give us a renewed spirit to keep going! I hope you have many victories today dear Lora.

And good hell woman, you are AMAZING! No dark circles can hide your awesomeness! Love ya!

Tammy said...

You look in the mirror and see a tired, depressed woman.

But when Justin looks at you, he sees a hero.

That's what makes it all good.

connie said...

Oh my gosh, I sooooo know those days. I too, look in the mirror some days and think what in the world happened to ME?!

I hope that things turn around soon for you and your son starts to see some better numbers, those lows are really tough.

Hugs to you my friend!!!

LaLa said...

Oh Lora - I am so sorry that you and Justin had such a rough day. That TOTALLY sucks!!

I agree with the others - I think you are beautiful inside and out!! I always love your posts and look forward to reading your funny comments. I think you are awesome!!

Hang in there!! Tomorrow will be better!!

Wendy said...

MANY HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think you're amazing...chatting with you each week is so much fun. I love your sense of humor and our circle wouldn't be the same without you.

Much love...keep you chin up...and CHARGE!!!!!!!!

Penny Ratzlaff said...


I could have written every word of this post myself. I was just telling a friend yesterday that having a child with diabetes changes you. I am not the same person that I used to be. And, I'm afraid, I never will be again...

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