Sunday, December 12, 2010

Defeated...

I am feeling defeated... conquered. I sink more and more into my quicksand of self pity every time someone points out how I use to be.  


I KNOW DAMN IT!


I know that I use to be more with it.


I know that I use to be so happy this time of year.


I know that I ALWAYS decorate for the holidays.


I know I am running out of time.


I know that I look tired.


I know I look sad.


I know I have changed.


I know I have been distant.


I know that I need help.


There has been a lot of changes the last few years. Changes that wreak havoc on your spirit and your mind. Changes that stretch far beyond D... though D seems to be the instigator. Changes that dangle the feeling of defeat over your head with nothing but thin strands of broken rope to hold it up. There's no escaping it. It is inevitable.


My spirit has been broken many times. But no matter what, I have always been able to smile and mend it back together. Until now.


My mind has forgotten. But only for a split second before a spark would ignite and the memories would come alive as if they had just happened. I could organize. Keep a schedule. Not miss a beat in life. Until now.


My smile was endless. Without fail you count on my pearly whites to make you feel good. Until now.


Now I am defeated. I am broken. I have no spirit left. My mind is fogged and smiling is something I have had to force myself to do for some time.


I am no longer me. Not in my mind and not in my spirit.


Would you believe that I didn't even pull my tree out of the attic until tonight(it's still not decorated)? I only forced myself because of Leighanna and Justin. Sadly, I put up the shorter version. Only problem is that as I "fluff" my branches... I cried. All I could think was how I never would have put up the short tree before. I never would have allowed the outside of my house brave the holidays without one.single.light. So why now?


Honestly, it doesn't feel like the holidays to me. For many reasons it feels more like a burden. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought I would be in this place.


Lately, I have been considering getting "help". I have been offered "help" but I decided against it. I have been told I needed "help" on more than one occasion. I had "help" in my hands and I threw it away before I could use it.


I know there are lots of people getting this help and I see nothing wrong with it... AT ALL. But in my broken state... I view it as defeat. Accepting this help means I  have lost yet another part of me... my strength. I use to have so much strength. I could conquer anything. Until now.


I don't like it here... I just want part of myself back. My spirit. My smile. My strength. My mind.... ANYTHING!

22 comments:

htimm=) said...

((hugs))

Alexis of Justices Misbehaving Pancreas said...

Oh Lora. I know that feeling all too well. Please know if ever you need someone to talk to I am always here to listen.

. (((hugs)))

Reyna said...

Big sigh...a heavy one...

Lora, I know you know this, but getting help does not mean defeat. It is the first step towards victory. I totally get it...knowing that sense of "overwhelmed-ness"..."d"...new job...holidays...IT.IS.A.LOT!!!

Take that first step Lora. Begin the path back to YOU. Love you.

Penny said...

Take the first step and accept the help. It is the first step in gaining yourself and your life back. Give yourself a Christmas present and accept the help. Here's to 2011 and Reyna's right, the path back to YOU.

Heather said...

I understand. I haven't put my tree up either. No decorations, no nothing. Just can't seem to get into the spirit of things.

Take the help though. I know easier said then done, but take it. (speaking here from one who hasn't taken the help either) You need it, your family needs it.

((hugs)) friend. And remember if you ever need to talk I'm only a phone call or text away!

Cindy said...

Oh, Lora, I'm crying for you right now! It's so hard to be stuck in that dark place and unable to reach up for the hands that are offering to help you out of it! If you're not able to make the effort to reach out for help for yourself, then please, please, please consider doing it for your children! They need their mommy to be happy and healthy so they can be too!

Hang in there, Lora! Life throws a lot of obstacles at us, but it throws a lot of good things our way too! Know that you're not alone right now and there are many of us who are here to help in any way you need!

Stephanie said...

Lora, I am with you. SO WITH YOU. This is my favorite time of year and all I am doing these days is beating myself up over the fact that I'm not as "into it" as I should be. I haven't even baked one cookie and for me...that is so not my style.

Getting help isn't defeat. I'm only 3 months into this damn disease and I've been seeing a homeopath for help and a counselor. Nevermind the fact that i have no TIME to see the counselor, because I have no one to watch Adam, so I've only seen her twice....but it's a start. (((((hugs)))))

Hallie said...

Oh, my sweet friend! I so wish inwas closer! I'd run right over and get out the big tree and put up lights and bake cookies and everything! I know how you feel. I do. I've been there. I am there - some days. Take the help, Lora. It's ok. It's hardto think clearly when you're in that place. I KNOW. I've been there. But take it. It helps I don't think I could get out of bed without it. And itdoesnt have to be forever. I'm so sorry. I know that dark place all too well. Please take the help. We are not supposed to be perfect, super human people. Your family needs you, babe. Please think about it. ((hugs))

:) Tracie said...

Matthew 11:28-29 NKJV
"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

So many times, we try to look inward for help, instead of upwards. Pray for guidance and grace to find the right place for help. And mercy to get you through this tough time.
Seeking help isn't defeat....you'll only be making yourself better for those around you.
Don't linger in the darkness, it's not a good place. I know fully well, been there done that and still revisit from time to time. But taking a hand and returning to the light is an act of bravery...not weakness.

And don't feel bad....I still haven't gotten a tree yet.

Wendy said...

Oh, my friend.

The mom can't sink. She must do whatever necessary to stay afloat. If she goes down, the entire ship will sink.

I had to get help a few years ago. Thank goodness I did...because we'd be shipwrecked by now if I hadn't.

Love and praying for you.

Tammy said...

I've been and still am where you are. Our tree is still in the attic. Our house looks like it was hit by a tornado, and I refuse to decorate a mess. My family all live a time zone away. Thinking of another Christmas without them about kills me. Thinking of spending another Christmas with my in-laws doesn't help.

I take Wellbutrin. It's gentle, it is not addictive, and best part - it doesn't cause weight gain. I can tell a difference when I take it.

Don't see needing help as being defeated. It's just a need.

Hope you can find some little bit of peace in the messages left here for you.

Amanda said...

I hate that you are feeling this way Lora - I can't stand to think of anybody feeling this way because I have felt exactly the way you described and it is terrible!
So when you say "getting help" are you talking about taking anti-depressants? That's what it seemed like...
Right after Jonny left for his deployment I had a total meltdown - one that started with Emma's diagnosis and the big finish to my sanity was him leaving. I felt totally defeated too - I hated even thinking about going on something. But finally I just did it because I knew I wasn't being what my kids needed me to be. And I hated doing it. But now I feel soooo much better. Not freakily perky or anything like that, and I still have some pretty rough days. But I can laugh and feel happy and don't feel so overwhelmed by even the most simple tasks.
Sorry for the novel length comment here, but just know that I love you for the wonderful, funny, accepting, encouraging, sassy woman that you are. Even if you are not feeling that way right now! You are, and you help so many people.

Kelly said...

((HUGS)) There are no words...just know you are not alone. Most people have been here one time or another....I will tell you that I have had chronic depression since I was a child (way before diabetes!!) and go through these feelings often when my medication (Celexa) needs to be adjusted or when life builds up. Which is RIGHT NOW my friend!! You should see the lack of effort goin on in my house!

Shut down. Lifeless.....I know that feeling all too well, make the first step, and the rest will follow.

Sarah said...

Sorry.
I truly am. It's a dark nasty place to be.
But "help" isn't defeat. Imagine your son telling you that, that he didn't ask for your help because he feared you'd think he was weak and defeated. Wouldn't you wrap him in your arms, comfort him, and let him know that he was never alone and you ALWAYS want to help him.
Please let those around you help you.
Please if you need more help than that ask for it.
I think more than anything you need to know that you're not alone, you're not weak or defeated - you're totally completely normal and we all need a little help often.
Enjoy today.

connie said...

I am so sorry you are in this place right now, I have been there too. I don't think I can add anymore advice here, I have read every comment and they are all filled with such love and understanding...I can't say it any better then it's already been said.

Just know that my thoughts are with you and I'm sending (((hugs))) your way!!!

Lorraine of "This is Caleb..." said...

I'm so sorry. I've been there too. There's so much to handle with ordinary life and life isn't exactly ordinary, is it? Just one day at a time.
Take whatever help is offered, in whatever form. Let that be your gift to you.

Jen said...

Lora - I want you to know first off..YOU ARE SO LOVED! Next, getting help is not defeat. I don't normally put this out on the internet but I have been in therapy for the past few years and honestly, I don't know what I would do without it. It has helped me so much as I have gone through Addison's diagnosis, the exauhstion of taking care of a diabetic child, the stress on me and my family..I could go on. It doesn't mean I always feel great because as you know from my blog sometimes I really feel like a shadow of my former self. But I feel like I am getting pieces of myself back slowly but surely. I don't know how I would have done it without my wonderful therapist. Finding help is a way to take care of yourself and that is important not only for you but for your family too....BIG HUGS!

Amy said...

Lora . . . KNOW YOU ARE AMONG MANY who share these similar feelings. Not that misery loves company, but so you don't feel 'out there on a limb' all by yourself.

D-mom's have to have that extra something special in order to deal with everything AND diabetes all in the same soup bowl. It is bound to get overwhelming and nasty and yucky and sludgy at times!

Just know that venting here will help you feel relief and others know THEY, too are not alone.

For me, when I need the most help is when I am adament about not asking/reaching for it. It's part of the process. Sometimes it means I need to tweak my GAD meds, sometimes it means I need to pray more, sometimes it means I need to go hit a punching bag, sometimes it means I need retail therapy . . . . the solution is to go and DO something, anything, that gets yourself out of the loop of despair.

I see this as 'something'. Good job, girlie. We will be here for you when you are ready for the next step.

Misty said...

Oh Lora! For the record, I think you are amazing! But I also want to tell you that you are not alone in the way that you are feeling. It is ok to feel that way. And it is ok to need help. I have a very hard time accepting help myslef - just part of my makeup. But there are days when I too think maybe I need to get help. You would be doing it for yourself and for your family at the same time. They don't need you to be perfect, but they do need you to be ok. I want you to be ok too!! Let me know if there is anything I can do. Big Hugs!!

marshfam said...

Thank you for sharing that, for yourself, and also for all of us who have felt something similar. I liked Tracie's comment, because that is the reason I'm actually in a good place right now. I'm trying to focus my Christmas time on Christ and I have felt so much peace! My house is a giant mess that I can't stay on top of, our bills are just getting more and more behind, the darn D keeps knocking us down, but somehow I feel peace! I truly believe that my faith is the reason I am able to find that peace. You are loved, embrace help that is offered and try to take small moments to enjoy a good piece of the day. You're worth it, and your family is worth it. Thanks again for sharing, I have learned so much from you in the few months that I've known you. Hang in there, you'll be in my prayers.

Laura said...

Lora, Lora, Lora . . . I think you are amazing. Seriously - - - you have so much on your plate right now and you are doing an amazing job with
Justin and his D care.

I'm there too. Dark,dark place. I've been offered the help too. It's been in my hands but I couldn't take it. I'm certainly not against it but I think I understand how you feel. It for me feels like defeat - - I know it's not but I feel that way. I also feel like I need to feel these feelings -- not just push then aside or numb them. I need to feel them and hopefully defeat them.

I'm here. We are all here. Hugging you, loving you and lifting you up. We can get through this together.

Big hugs!!

Tracy1918 said...

Oh Sweet Friend! Look at how many comments there are! And such encouraging words. YOU ARE SO LOVED BY SO MANY. I hope that alone will make you smile.

I just wrote a tiny bit about the depression I faced. It was awful and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Know that you are not alone. And help is okay.

HUGS

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