I am feeling defeated... conquered. I sink more and more into my quicksand of self pity every time someone points out how I use to be.
I KNOW DAMN IT!
I know that I use to be more with it.
I know that I use to be so happy this time of year.
I know that I ALWAYS decorate for the holidays.
I know I am running out of time.
I know that I look tired.
I know I look sad.
I know I have changed.
I know I have been distant.
I know that I need help.
There has been a lot of changes the last few years. Changes that wreak havoc on your spirit and your mind. Changes that stretch far beyond D... though D seems to be the instigator. Changes that dangle the feeling of defeat over your head with nothing but thin strands of broken rope to hold it up. There's no escaping it. It is inevitable.
My spirit has been broken many times. But no matter what, I have always been able to smile and mend it back together. Until now.
My mind has forgotten. But only for a split second before a spark would ignite and the memories would come alive as if they had just happened. I could organize. Keep a schedule. Not miss a beat in life. Until now.
My smile was endless. Without fail you count on my pearly whites to make you feel good. Until now.
Now I am defeated. I am broken. I have no spirit left. My mind is fogged and smiling is something I have had to force myself to do for some time.
I am no longer me. Not in my mind and not in my spirit.
Would you believe that I didn't even pull my tree out of the attic until tonight(it's still not decorated)? I only forced myself because of Leighanna and Justin. Sadly, I put up the shorter version. Only problem is that as I "fluff" my branches... I cried. All I could think was how I never would have put up the short tree before. I never would have allowed the outside of my house brave the holidays without one.single.light. So why now?
Honestly, it doesn't feel like the holidays to me. For many reasons it feels more like a burden. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought I would be in this place.
Lately, I have been considering getting "help". I have been offered "help" but I decided against it. I have been told I needed "help" on more than one occasion. I had "help" in my hands and I threw it away before I could use it.
I know there are lots of people getting this help and I see nothing wrong with it... AT ALL. But in my broken state... I view it as defeat. Accepting this help means I have lost yet another part of me... my strength. I use to have so much strength. I could conquer anything. Until now.
I don't like it here... I just want part of myself back. My spirit. My smile. My strength. My mind.... ANYTHING!