I use to have the best mind.
I was witty. Sharp. With it.
I did my best work under pressure. I could handle an overloaded plate like you wouldn't believe.
I had a stellar memory. "Elephant memory like your Grandma" some would say.
I had my shit together. I didn't miss a beat.
But that has all changed in the last couple years.
I'm forgetful. I'm lost. I'm out of it.
I use to joke about loosing my marbles, but these days its not so much of a joke anymore. I can't decide if its getting better or worse.
I have tried so hard to find my way out of this... place, but I am starting to get scared that there is no way out.
My mind is going through an internal war. My actions show I have checked out or shut down. I've given up on the person I use to be- the person I desperately miss.
Why am I bringing this up now?
Well, this morning, Anthony said "the last couple of months I come home and get lost in my own world(aka... I'm checking out). I'm not taking care of things".
He didn't say this to me mean... we were having a needed conversation(something we don't do anymore).
In my opinion- he is right and wrong. He's right in the sense that I have checked out of the inn. The kids, their homework, the house, myself(especially myself), him... they are all suffering for it.
He's wrong because it has been going on WAY longer than a couple months and I've known it. I just don't know how to fix it and I don't have the strength or the energy to try.
I have been trying to figure out why this is so much harder than anything else that I have dealt with. I've never had it... easy.
I think in the past, when things were "tough", I focused on the end in sight and I trucked along until then. These days... there is NO end in site.
So how do I find the light at the end of the tunnel when its not there?
How do I get enough of my old self back so that I can be proud of the person I am again?
I just don't know.