Thursday, February 17, 2011

A look inside my mind...

Warning! Not sure if you wanna look... just sayin!

I use to have the best mind.

I was witty. Sharp. With it. 

I did my best work under pressure. I could handle an overloaded plate like you wouldn't believe.

I had a stellar memory. "Elephant memory like your Grandma" some would say.

I had my shit together. I didn't miss a beat.


But that has all changed in the last couple years.

I'm forgetful. I'm lost. I'm out of it.

I use to joke about loosing my marbles, but these days its not so much of a joke anymore. I can't decide if its getting better or worse.

I have tried so hard to find my way out of this... place, but I am starting to get scared that there is no way out. 

My mind is going through an internal war. My actions show I have checked out or shut down. I've given up on the person I use to be- the person I desperately miss.

Why am I bringing this up now?

Well, this morning, Anthony said "the last couple of months I come home and get lost in my own world(aka... I'm checking out). I'm not taking care of things".

He didn't say this to me mean... we were having a needed conversation(something we don't do anymore).

In my opinion- he is right and wrong. He's right in the sense that I have checked out of the inn. The kids, their homework, the house, myself(especially myself), him... they are all suffering for it.

He's wrong because it has been going on WAY longer than a couple months and I've known it. I just don't know how to fix it and I don't have the strength or the energy to try.

I have been trying to figure out why this is so much harder than anything else that I have dealt with. I've never had it... easy.

I think in the past, when things were "tough", I focused on the end in sight and I trucked along until then. These days... there is NO end in site.

So how do I find the light at the end of the tunnel when its not there?

How do I get enough of my old self back so that I can be proud of the person I am again?

I just don't know.


Joanne said...

Struggling with this too... it's so hard to muster up the energy. If you figure it out, please let me know! Big hugs and know that you're not the only one.

Meri said...

You look at us...who have been there. And you believe us that it will get better. Bad times do not last forever. There is a brighter future before you...I know it Lora! I KNOW IT!

Shannon@ The New Normal Life said...

I dont have much in the way of a fix except to say me too! I am here 100% this am Jackson was being really bad and I walked away and said to my husband Im done you take care of it... he said you dont have a choice to be done... he was right... but I am done. I am so sad that there is no end in site. its not just the D monster it is the finances, the lack of sleep, the everything. I am here for you and I understand! Please know I am here!! Im still trying to find enough land that we can all move into the same neighborhood so we can take turns with overnights and such :) but so far no luck.

Alexis Nicole said...

Wish I had the answer. Here for you and like Meri said it will get better ! Xoxol

Denise said...

Well I could have written this...(except I don't have an Anthony) so you are not alone...and when you figure out how to find that light and get back your old self....let me know!!

Unknown said...

I think this is/was the hardest part for me...I lost "myself" for a good year and a half after "D" came into our lives. I had a hard time getting "me" back. I don't even know how or when it started, but it did.

So, what is our plan? How can we help? I cannot just sit and know you are not doing well Lora. I think the definition of "light" at the end of the tunnel must be changed to something attainable.

Kelly said...

Same here! The first 3 years after dx was the better for different issues are causing me to fall back into the same lack of "togetherness." -Sigh- No wise words of how to find your way out...but know you are not alone! I know for me working out makes a HUGE difference and clears my mind too, if only I could muster up the energy to do so! ((HUGS)) We will get there....

Jen said...

Oh Lora - I can relate! You have a whole virtual world of people here who love you and are concerned..we may not have the answer but like Reyna said..let us know how we can help!

:) Tracie said...

I'm pretty sure you're not alone in these feelings....I think it's really a 'normal' process that a caregiver goes through. I've seen it happen with my mom when she was caring for my dad during his lung transplant process and I can see it with myself dealing with Jessi's diabetes from time to time. The comforting part is that this is normal and it will subside and get better as you work through it.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, and I feel it's a lot easier to see when you look up to The Lord and ask for help and focus on the fact that He is in control and will help you through this time of need. There's a purpose for this....who knows what, but He knows. Sometimes it's hard to do in a fleshly 'I can handle this on my own' state, but maybe the search for something to make things better is God.
This is my personal way of handling things, and I just thought I'd share it with you. Prayers coming your way...

Amy said...

You get it back when you actuallu have time to take care of yourself . . . not easy as a Dparent. As the others before me have all said, misery certainly loves us all and we all have struggle(d & s).

Tracie said it well by stating the only one who can take the pain away is God

Heather said...

I am still struggling with this and we are coming up on two years...I know it's not easy and everyone tells me it will get better...but it's not. The only thing that has gotten me this far is my faith. Without it, I would only a shell of the person I am now. (even though I still feel like a shell, does that make any sense?) I am praying for you. Know that I am here when ever you need to vent, or what ever. Call anytime, 24/7. I mean it. Love ya girl!

Anonymous said...

Man, we are in the EXACT same place. My husband is peeved and lonely, my non-d kid is growing so fast and I feel like I don't give him enough of me...I haven't talked to any of my friends (all 2 of them) in weeks if not months now!? I'm completely lost and closed off to the entire rest of the world right now. I can't even stop long enough to get emotional about...well anything. I'm like an empty shell...lonely, yet overwhelmed with responsibility and fear (fear sometimes, not all the time anymore). I look like crap most of the time...I feel tired all of the time...when I talk to people I just don't get the connection or feeling of community that I use to??? Maybe I'll post something too...maybe someone will have something to say between the two that will inspire something or some way of thinking to get to that light we all so want to see?! I just don't think it is going to be gotten through new hair styles and pedicures this time, I think it's a whole philosophy thing...Loves and know that I am sooooo with you right now, soooo with you! ((hugs))

Tracy1918 said...

Hi!! I am sooooooo behind on blog reading, but I wanted to pop over and say hi to you!

I feel like you lately. Can't seem to find the old me. This new one is fat, frumpy and tired. (Perhaps I wouldn't feel that way if I had some stripper shoes! Loved that!)

But...I'm frustrated. Can't quite figure out how to get myself back on track.

Anyway.....pop a smile on your face. Today is a new day!

I will try to check in more frequently. You always make me smile. : )

Heidi =) said...

((hugs)) I am thankful for your realness in this post. Some days I feel like I'm loosing my mind and like I should be over the grief part. I can't seem to loose an ounce of the 15+ pounds I have gained. I am trying but I think that the stress is stopping me in my tracks. You are not alone!

Unknown said...

Oh, my friend.

I am SO WITH you. I feel you. I know exactly what you're's very real. It's not your imagination. You aren't crazy.

And it's okay to be sad, mad and downright EMOTIONAL about all of it.

I just want to reach in there and hug you. And tell you that this funk will end. Better days are ahead.

I ♥ U.

Unknown said...


My word verification was


Is that like Jiffy PB and FAT combined. What the heck is your blog trying to tell me???

LaLa said...

I'm so sorry that I missed this post.
I think you are amazing! So funny, witty, beautiful and strong.

I wish I was there to give you a big hug -- oh and then we could go out and get DRUNK!! :)

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