From the Mouth of Yours Truly...

After all the gloom... I though I needed to post a little fun :)

Welcome to another round of "from the mouth of yours truly". Here is a short little list of the things I may or may not have said lately...




-If you do it... you better hope you can out run me... just sayin.



-He still has all his teeth... so that a bonus.




-Is your brain actually listening to what your mouth is saying?




-At least when you're not tan you don't look like the guy from Powder.

- If I didn't love you so much I would spray you with this fucking water.


-Didn't you know? I've been diagnosed with awesomeness. But don't worry... its not contagious.


- I hear voices and they don't like you.


- I stopped to think and then I forgot to start again :/


- I am experiencing life at the rate of several WTF's a minute.


What's come out of your mouth lately??

THANKS...

JUST WANTED TO THANK EVERYONE FOR THEIR SWEET COMMENTS ON MY LAST POST. I AM FEELING A LITTLE BETTER AND I HAVE GOTTEN A LITTLE SLEEP (I TOOK A DAYTIME NAP OVER THE WEEKEND :0).

THE PURPOSE FOR THIS POST IS IN RESPONSE TO SOME OF THE COMMENTS. I LAUGHED THROUGH SOME OF THEM, CRIED THROUGH SOME OF THEM AND THEN SOME MADE ME THINK. OF COURSE, I CAN RELATE TO THEM ALL.

ONE OF MY BIGGEST PROBLEMS IS THAT I THOUGHT I WOULD BE IN A MUCH BETTER PLACE MORE THAN TWO YEARS AFTER JUSTIN'S DIAGNOSIS. BUT FOR SOME REASON OR ANOTHER... I HAVE FALLEN BACK INTO THE HOLE I THOUGHT I WAS IN SOME WAY CLIMBING OUT OF. THIS MAKES ME FEEL SLIGHTLY WEAK AND I DO NOT LIKE TO FEEL WEAK... NEVER HAVE.

I GUESS YOU COULD CALL IT A SET BACK. MAYBE EXHAUSTION OR SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED PUSHED ME BACK DOWN A BIT AND I JUST TAKE THE WHOLE THING WITH LESS GRACE THAN I WOULD LIKE OR THAT I AM USE TO.

I WOULDN'T CONSIDER MYSELF MAD AT ALL... JUST SAD(MAYBE THAT IN ITSELF IS A PROBLEM). PART OF ME FEELS LIKE I'M MISSING OUT. I MISS VOLUNTEERING, I MISS BEING INVOLVED AT MY KIDS SCHOOL AND I KNOW IN MY HEART THEY ARE SUFFERING FOR IT. I MISS BEING HOME WHEN THEY GET THERE. I MISS THE FOCUS I HAD ON THEM AND THEIR SCHOOL WORK(THEIR GRADES ARE PROOF OF THIS).

I KNOW I'M NOT ALONE. ANY GIVEN 3AM CHECK... THAT TURNS INTO A FACEBOOK STATUS AND GETS A RESPONSE IS PROOF OF THAT. 

BUT YA KNOW... ITS NOT JUST D. IT IS THE MANY THINGS THAT GO WITH IT- THE FINANCES, THE LACK OF SLEEP, THE PHYSICAL AND MENTAL EXHAUSTION(IS THERE A STRONGER WORD FOR EXHAUSTION? THAT'S WHERE I AM), ALL THE THINGS WE HAVE HAD TO GIVE UP BECAUSE OF D, THE PART WHERE I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE... UGH!

THE PROSPECT OF THE "LIGHT" AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL NOT BEING ATTAINABLE... KINDA PISSES ME OFF TOO. I WANT THE DAMN LIGHT PEOPLE!!!! SHOW ME THE LIGHT!!!!

I KNOW... I'M BABBLING. I DO A LOT OF THAT THESE DAYS TOO. PROBABLY BECAUSE I CAN'T KEEP A STRAIGHT THOUGHT FOR MORE THAN THIRTY SECONDS(IF THAT). YEAH, BETTER MAKE THAT TEN SECONDS.

I AM ALSO FAT, FRUMPY AND TIRED. THE STRIPPER SHOES WOULD BE AWESOME IF MY POOR FEET DIDN'T HAVE TO CARRY AROUND MY FAT ASS IN THEM.

WORST OF ALL... I FEEL LIKE I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY TO GIVE ENOUGH OF A SHIT TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT ABOUT ANY OF IT.

I AM TRYING... I PROMISE.

I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE... RIGHT?

I LOVE YOU ALL. THANK YOU AGAIN FOR YOUR SUPPORT, YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT, YOUR UNDERSTANDING AND YOUR PRAYERS.

ITS MY ONLY WAY THROUGH THIS...

A look inside my mind...

Warning! Not sure if you wanna look... just sayin!

 

I use to have the best mind.


I was witty. Sharp. With it. 


I did my best work under pressure. I could handle an overloaded plate like you wouldn't believe.


I had a stellar memory. "Elephant memory like your Grandma" some would say.


I had my shit together. I didn't miss a beat.


EVER!


But that has all changed in the last couple years.



I'm forgetful. I'm lost. I'm out of it.



I use to joke about loosing my marbles, but these days its not so much of a joke anymore. I can't decide if its getting better or worse.


I have tried so hard to find my way out of this... place, but I am starting to get scared that there is no way out. 


My mind is going through an internal war. My actions show I have checked out or shut down. I've given up on the person I use to be- the person I desperately miss.


Why am I bringing this up now?

Well, this morning, Anthony said "the last couple of months I come home and get lost in my own world(aka... I'm checking out). I'm not taking care of things".


He didn't say this to me mean... we were having a needed conversation(something we don't do anymore).



In my opinion- he is right and wrong. He's right in the sense that I have checked out of the inn. The kids, their homework, the house, myself(especially myself), him... they are all suffering for it.



He's wrong because it has been going on WAY longer than a couple months and I've known it. I just don't know how to fix it and I don't have the strength or the energy to try.


I have been trying to figure out why this is so much harder than anything else that I have dealt with. I've never had it... easy.



I think in the past, when things were "tough", I focused on the end in sight and I trucked along until then. These days... there is NO end in site.



So how do I find the light at the end of the tunnel when its not there?


How do I get enough of my old self back so that I can be proud of the person I am again?


I just don't know.