Fortuitous Friday...

"Fortuitous" meaning: lucky, accidental

As in...

This...

after this...

Makes this one swaggin mama...

Just sayin!

Have a Fortuitous Friday everyone.

Further Explanation...

I just wanted to add a little explanation to yesterdays post...

I probably should have mentioned that what I copied over from Scott's blog was only part of his story. It was a small part of a whole post that happened to get to me when I read it(Sorry Scott). 

I would also like to throw out that I am not a crazy mess. For the most part... I AM okay with our daily grind. Justin is happy and neither of us spend our afternoons at a poor pitiful me party crying our eyes out. We do ignore diabetes in our life until its time to deal with it throughout the day(or night). But no matter what you wish... sometimes it can get the best of the best of us. And the main point was that... it's okay.

Having a rough couple of days doesn't mean I choose to live in sadness. It doesn't mean that I drag Justin down with me... I certainly do not. My feelings are not, nor will they ever be, his burden to carry. They are my own.
It just means I need to get it out in order to keep truckin. It's how I re-boot. It helps ME to get all MY bottled up emotion out. It helps ME stay positive for Justin and lift him up when diabetes stops playing fair.


I think this time of year is somewhat tough for me because this is when it all started. I can look back at pictures from 4 years ago and visably see the weightloss that should have been a clue to what was coming... but I didn't see it. So pile that on top of the vomiting due to a high bg's and broken pudding promises(whole other story)
among a few other things and it got to me; and for a short time I allowed it.

Now I can move on.

Part of the life...

I've been chugging along through life pretty smoothly if I do say so myself. D has taken as much of a back seat as it possibly can. Since I've gone back to work, Anthony had to take over a bit of the daytime D care(now if he would only take over the night). When school was in... the nurse would just text me, so I don't think he has felt the full force of it until Justin went to camp this summer and had to start calling him for snacks and lunch. And with all the ice skating and tae kwon do... we had a time getting Justin's bg's to stay up. I need to buy stock in Juicy Juice, for real.


I really thought I was doing well. Just shy of 4 years into this beast and I told myself that I had a handle on my emotions. But I still cracked.


My child throws up over a high blood sugar and I'm back to that guilt ridden mom, who wishes she could make it all better somehow. I read Scott Johnson's post and I blubbered like a baby. 


Over this...


"When my time comes, I want you to celebrate that I don’t have to do this exhausting diabetes thing anymore. I will finally have some peace from the constant attack that diabetes forces into every waking (and sleeping) second of my life. I will finally be able to rest, without worry about my blood sugar, food, insulin, exercise, guilt of imperfect control, or when diabetes will sneak a punch through my defenses.


I live tired. No. I live exhausted. I think it may be fair to say that all of us with type 1 diabetes live exhausted. There are but two ways to relieve that exhaustion.


I wait patiently for a cure (I have not lost faith), but we can only hang on for so long."




How can that not hit you in the gut? Is this the way Justin will feel when he's lived 15 years of his life with diabetes? He will be 22 then, ya know. Only 22. 


I don't want him to live exhausted. 


Do I DO enough now to take away some of the exhaustion?


I don't want him to be one of the pre-authorization I see every day with a diagnosis of complications from diabetes. Every time I see it... I find myself looking up at the age of the member. 


Do I do enough to ensure that he will be healthy when he is my age? By then, Diabetes will have consumed 27 years of his life(Stop trying to calculate that... I'm only 29). 


Sometimes I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I feel like every decision is a guessing game. I'm playing guessing games with my child's life. It's not right.  


I have been this way for two days. Feeling of guilt consuming me at times. 


How dare I, I suppose? How dare I when there's so much to be thankful for and so many others going through far more than I(SCL).


I think its important for me to have these days. I think it helps me let it out and stand tall to take the beast head on. I don't think of it as "fuss or hysterics or histrionics" ... I think of it as human. And I am okay with that.