Its been a long week. Not because of Diabetes... though D always has its place in the mix. I have a lot on my mind... things weighing on me and keeping me up at night. I didn't think it was possible to get LESS sleep, but it is. I hope to talk about some of it soon... it would be nice to get it out.
I have to warn you... this post is kinda like a pinball bouncing around the play field of the machine. One minute I'll be slingshot-ing out of the gate and the next I'm bouncing between the bumpers. It might be hard to keep up... just sayin.
So back to Thursday's post... you kinda have to start there to know where this one is coming from and if your still confused... go read Wendy's post.
July 2010 seems like it was so long ago. I pondered all day yesterday, today and even as I write this post; trying to get a good idea of what step I'm REALLY on a year later. Some days its hard to tell.
I still see a trace of that robot... maybe that part will never go away. I also see acceptance and a minimal side of the "just a mom" in me (I think pumping has helped with that). I still have the fear, though its not front and center anymore. I was having a hard time trying to explain where my fear was... then I read Reyna's blog this morning(the only blog I have read so far today... fate). And there it was; tears filled my eyes and "same" touched my core...
"Always, in the back of my mind...in the periphery of my conscious, I half expect no response..."
THAT! RIGHT THERE! I am ALWAYS waiting for it. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for the day I blink my eyes and the nightmare becomes reality. Do I do this so that it won't hit me so hard if that day comes? I don't know, its an interesting theory.
I don't want you to think I've gone backwards down the steps... I haven't. I have come a long way. I find that I fear more, think more and things affect me more when I am overly tired.
I have started to smile again... sincerely. I have learned to hold that smile on my face. It doesn't come as naturally as it use to and keeping it there is not without effort, but it IS getting easier. Someone in the building I work in said to me "your always smiling". I haven't heard that in a long time. I like to think that one day, being "the girl who always smiles" will be effortless again. There is hope.
I think this summer, I may have some old fears resurfacing. The fear of the unknown can be a bitch sometimes. Thing is... Leighanna will be going to middle school this year and will no longer be on the bus or come home in the afternoon with Justin. Top that with the fact that going back to work full time is drawing closer and closer to reality and you have one stressed out mama.
I have accepted what D has thrown at me and I don't dwell on it anymore. I am not even mad at it. I don't stress over numbers and they don't make or break me... though they might smack me around on occasion. If we decide to stop for a treat and his numbers are a little high for ice cream comfort... I secretly grit my teeth, rage bolus and let him enjoy. After all, he IS a kid and sometimes I am just a mom.
Acceptance does not equal comfortable... I refuse to get to comfortable. I don't feel that comfortable is a safe place to be because that is when something else will strike "Always, in the back of my mind...in the periphery of my conscious".
Keep in mind that I am also coming out of the shadows of the Epilepsy diagnosis. We are just getting the meds straight and that one knocked me back a few steps. Not as much as diabetes, but enough to leave a mark.
Next month, my blog will be two years old. WOW! I can't believe it has been that long. I can honestly say that this blog is the reason I am functioning today. And I AM FUNCTIONING. It brought me out of my fog and together with you. Blogging isn't for everybody. At one time, it wasn't for me either, but it has turned out to be the path I needed to take and the path I will continue to follow. I need it.